Wednesday, August 17, 2011

An update! (or, i'm still alive!)

Its been a long time. I've been uuber busy, packed to the gills, ruled by the tyranny of the urgent, whatever you want to call it. I've been feeling that "stuck-ish" feeling that I get when I find i'm moving in the wrong direction and the momentum has built up to the point that its difficult to stop. My Bible time has become fairly non-existent, my facebook time has increased and is increasingly unsatisfying, and i'm faced with the prospect of SCHOOL looming ahead. The monster i've feared, and its approaching with reckless abandon. Yet, as I contemplate putting my children in school this year, i am optimistic. Cautiously optimistic. I'll have time every day to go to the gym or walk with the babies in the stroller. I'll have plenty of time to play with them one on two. (not bad) AND, most exciting, i'll get a naptime, a time where there is QUIET in the house.

But at any rate, all the stuff going on in my life and in my head has distracted me from focusing on the process of healing that i'm still largely intrenched in. And the process centers primarily around maintaining a good solid relationship with Jesus. And that's suffered, badly. I happened upon Mary De Muth's site and signed up for her mailing list and got her free ebook "Live uncaged" And i've been reading it ever since. Its a carefully pieced together compilation of her blog posts and one jumped out at me in particular. It was from the article "The Mark Part 5: Choose your enemies wisely"

She talked about how when you focus SO much on your enemies that they occupy more of your memory than your friends, you have a problem. One part that she wrote jumped out at me. (But PLEASE, if you struggle with similar issues as me, read the whole article, the whole book, whatever of hers you can get your hands on!!) She writes:

Oswald Chambers says it beautifully. “Let the past sleep. But let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and go out into the irresistible future with Him.”

We have an irresistible future! We don’t need to follow U2′s words. We don’t need to be defined by our enemies. They do not have power over us. They cannot haunt us if we’re pressing forward, looking to the future, awaiting the new things God brings.

Jesus asked the paralytic in John 5:6 the question He asks you today: When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

You have been in your condition many years now. Do you want to get well? Really? Would you rather rehash the past over and over in an endless loop of pain, or do you want healing? I have found that most people don’t pursue healing. The difference between the healed people and those still living in the past defined by their enemies is this: tenacious running after healing. You have to want to get well so bad it wakes you up at night.


The truth: Your enemies no longer need to define you.

The truth: You can be set free. You can experience rivers in the desert.

The truth: With Jesus, there is an irresistible future.

And that's what it comes down to- the simple, honest to goodness, only way, narrow road, hard but super easy, burden is light yoke is easy, purest love you will. ever. find. truth: Its all about Jesus. You can search all your life, you can try every "religion" that offers peace, you can read every self-help book on the market, you can resign yourself to the idea that you will always be damaged and wounded, but its a lie. Its ALL a lie. There is no use for "religion" only "relationship" is powerful enough to change you.

Only relationship with HIM is enough to purify your soul which feels dirty, hopelessly relentlessly dirty.

Only relationship with HIM can teach you to FINALLY love yourself, and forgive yourself, and tame that cruel taskmaster that lives inside of you, never content with what you have to give. He's not a brutal taskmaster.

Only relationship with HIM can show you how wounded your perpetrators are, how entrenched in their own misery they are, to this day. How they seemed so big, powerful, and evil at the time, now they are just small and sad, and miserable.

Only relationship with HIM can teach you how to become someone you never knew existed. It all starts with HIM. Its all about Jesus. I hope with all that is in me that you know Him. He already knows you :)

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Right now i'm struggling. Things are basically ok. God is answering prayer, albeit in strange ways- like our financial issues- Andy will be taking a paycut and a cut in hours. So obviously more money is not REALLY what we are needing :) and clearly, we DO need more dad around here... Ash does so much better when "Daddie-oh" is home. And when Ash does better, we ALL do better, particularily me. I got the results of my sleep study back and I do, indeed have obstructive sleep apnea. At worst, i've stopped breathing for 14 seconds without realizing it. my oxygen level was pretty low too so i'm going to be getting a CPAP machine for sleeping, which i'm hoping i can manage. I'm a really picky sleeper. But if i can not be so tired all the time, I think life might be more managable.

Still i have this lingering melancholy about me... I think its mainly just sadness, since i'm pretty sure I won't be hearing from one of my letter recipients again, and this was an important person in my life. Ann in my CG family pointed out that its a great chance to let God parent me and be my nurturer and He WILL fill the gaps in my life, and i know its true. I think i'm just in a tough spot right now and i need to stay in prayer and in the Word and weather it. And i need to stay away from facebook... every once in a while someone will say something that sets me off and sets me back and who needs it?! Oy. Right now i'm trying to immerse myself in positivity and God's word, and one thing that really helps me is music. Here's the song that has been cheering me up lately..

Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep

We pray for healing
For prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand
to ease our suffering

And all the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness
We doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
Lord, that we’d have faith to believe

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain
The storms
The hardest nights
are your mercies in disguise

I think this is the key, right here in purple- Maybe all that i'm experiencing is espeically rough because I KNOW that there's more than the brokenness of this world. I think if i didn't, i'd see the beauty in what WAS beautiful, as there's plenty of that.... but I think a part of me longs for that which i know is bigger than this world. And yearns for that wonderful peace.

Ah well... needed for baby duty :) hope you all are blessed this week and always.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I haven't posted much, not because life has been uneventful- it hasn't. But I took a huge leap and followed the Holy Spirit in writing letters, a couple weeks ago, and that was so hard, and so personal- WAY too personal to post here, so you'll have to take my word for it :) but in a nutshell, i layed out the issues I have and what i've dealt with as a result of what has been done to me by 2 people in my life who have impacted me in serious ways. I didn't mince words- i spoke from the heart, but the Holy Spirit also spoke through me and in the process of writing these letters granted me what i've most needed- FORGIVENESS. NOT having forgiveness has been a huge burden. I'd struggle with it- try to FORCE myself into it, but what I didn't realize before redemption group is that I was trying to do it all MYSELF and what I needed was for God to do it. Then, i'd not only have peace but know that I didn't earn my own peace, or pave my own path. That's important, because i KNOW that HE was right there with me my whole life, suffering right along with me. I can't claim victory myself as if i'd done something to earn it. Anyway, i'm on a long difficult road right now, i'm feeling sad, lonely, a little depressed... But its all good, ultimately i know that its going to be ok.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

He is faithful!!

What an amazing weekend... Crazy busy, achey, tired, but amazing. So I finally took some time to listen to what God had to say about the latest crisis- the neighbor one- and surprise, surprise- it wasn't about my neighbor at all, it was about us- it was about trust, and relying on God for our provision, and not taking matters into my own hands and generosity, and other stuff, but the focus fell squarely on OUR family, particularily ME.

Isn't it funny how these things work out in such a way?? and this time it only took 3 days for me to stop the whole trying to do things my own way and making it happen on my own thing. That is some really major progress for me. I'm happy. I'm happy with where God is leading me, i'm happy with redemption group, which just finished up today! Next week is the celebration! and i'm happy with my place in life. I really never thought i'd be free from the life that i've had that has been so confining to me. I didn't realize that just as soon as i'd gotten away from the people that had oppressed me, and damaged me, that I just started in all on my own. What madness is that. And trying to control my own life... OY. I always thought that i'd managed basically on my own all my life. But this was not true. Even as a young child I could sense that I was not alone. Now i can see, looking back on my life and all the junk and all the things that SHOULD have been different, He was there. He hurt right along with me, but He didn't leave me for a minute. I felt so alone, but I wasn't. There's NO way i would have survived any number of events were it not for distinct supernatural intervention. He's been pursuing me from the beginning. And He's the one i've spent my life looking for. Jesus is awesome. And if you see me, and I seem different, that's why. I'm getting to know Him better, and perhaps it shows. I hope so! :)

Rebecca <-- who hopes this makes at least a little bit of sense- i'm very very tired :) and i'm getting rambley.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Another hard day....

Wow... sometimes it just never stops pouring down CRAP. I'm trying really hard to get in a good mood... I'm trying to just let it roll off me, but it feels like just one thing after another, before the one awful thing that happens is even done, some other nasty insult rears its ugly head.


I really really really really really reallllllllllly wish the crazy apocalypse guy was right... at least about the date. I want to go HOME. This place, it sucks. People smile and chit chat and proport to be your best buddy and then stab you in the back.

I guess i will just keep crying out to Jesus, again and again and again until i have some peace.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Little things...

Right now i'm plagued. I'm not plagued with big things, rather little things... a WHOLE bunch of little things. My own progress toward finding me has been postponed a week, and tomorrow i get back to the work of figuring out what i need to do to get back on track. But I'm aware that the regular everyday stuff is enough sometimes to derail an otherwise reasonably well life. I've been having facebook issues- I think the biggest issue of all is i've just been spending too much TIME on facebook, I think that's where God's been leading me with all this. But its bickering. And granted, i have a LOT of bickering already going on in my life so my tolerance level for bickering is probably quite a bit less than the average person. But the fact is- i'm NOT a "tough" person. I'm discovering I AM a "strong" person, Praise the LORD who created my gifts and sustains me, but watching my friends, often people I love tear each other to shreds tears ME to shreds emotionally. And i can't do it anymore. This, i realize, IS a good thing. The fact is, there has been so precious little of "me" to go around anyway- time is time, be it a few minutes here, and a few minutes there. And I think its a bigger issue too of "who" my friends are. As i was lamenting my concern about having idolatry issues toward money, on "the City" which is my church's version of facebook, sorta... I got several really kind, thoughtful responses. and the last one ended her reply with

" Love ya sister"

Ahhh.... what a beautiful thing to say, what a generous and kind, and wonderful ending to a thoughtful post. And the thing is- I believe her. I know where she finds this love for a person she only met a few months ago. I have a connection to that source, and it gives me the ability to love as well. But not as well as I'd like. I'd like to be one who loves excessively, lavishly, ridiculously. I'd love to be one who when hearing the phrase of the latest blog post by the amazing Ann Voscamp

(Which, by the way is a MUST READ. Do yourself a favor and read it.) I'd love to not have the response I have when I hear the title of her blog post- "when you've been wounded, cheated, disappointed, and heartbroken." I'd love for my mind to not immediately rush to a few select people: the man who took my innocence without a second thought, The woman who allowed it all to happen and never even ONCE even expressed that she was sorry, the boy at the beach who threatened me if i didn't show him what was under my swimsuit. The man that I trusted that led me down a path that I regret so greatly that I can barely look at him without wanting to burst into tears. And those are only the big things.... As my post title indicates, more than those are the little things.

The broken window by the developmentally delayed toddler who had an ear infection and his best response was to rage out- the CONSTANT financial burdens that threaten to bury me alive, the events whizzing past my head so fast that my sleep deprived "been up with a screaming or nursing toddler for 5 nights straight now" brain just can't compete.... I go through the day HOPING, just HOPING that i got my calendar straight, that I didn't miss one of the bazillion things that demands my attention. The people.... OH LORD, the people... WHY is it so darn hard to get along with PEOPLE? Why am I such a "people person" Sometimes I really wish i was an introvert so i could sink into my own world, my own happy little world, with pictures, and colorful adjectives, and pretty things. But that's not me. I know, i need to not wish away what God has so carefully created me to be. His knowledge is obviously far superior to my own. Maybe someday i'll fully appreciate who God has created me to be and LIKE her. But right now i'm not there. Being her really hurts. It just really hurts a lot. But i'll be ok. My daddy is the king. Someday all this crap will be a faint memory and my REAL life in my REAL home will be a reality.

I wish you all well, as i fight the urge to wish that day was NOW.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Is God JUST? Is God GOOD?

I saw a video on facebook recently, by Francis Chan, an author and brother in Christ that I very much admire. He was talking on the subject of hell: a heated subject no doubt, but he also bunny trailed off on to things in general that God does or said and suggested his opinion of how to deal with not understanding God's will. And it made me think, yet again about the "why's" WHY did i not win the ovarian lottery? WHY did i end up in a home where i'd be molested from toddlerhood, and the resultant effects that carry through even to adulthood- WHY?? I was innocent! i was a BABY. WHAT kind of God would put a BABY in those hands? (If you are not familiar with my story, please feel free to scroll down to the beginning of my blog, I posted my story there.)

I've struggled with this issue. It still is a struggle. And considering my history, i feel qualified to address this subject online. Because I believe that despite my experience God is good. Because my past is not the end of the story. Many (MOST people, if given the same circumstances as me would not be alive now. I KNOW that I did nothing to contribute to my own welfare during this time. In contrast, i have engaged in countless self destructive behaviors, drinking, drugs, sexual activity before marraige, i've attempted to eat myself to death, have completely disregarded my body. But God has been there for me. God swiftly propelled me out of the abusive situation I was living in, He directed me to an amazing man who loves me and cares for me, even when I behave badly toward him. He's provided me with 7 beautiful children who have become my cheerleaders. They know my history, they love me and support me. The family I always wanted- I HAVE! And its all because of HIM, the One who gave up His own son, for ME, and has never failed to show me that despite my unfortunate circumstances, I am HIS and He loves me and will NEVER leave me.

I pray and hope that what happened to me in my childhood will NOT be for nothing. I don't think its a coincidence that my gifts and talents are in the areas of writing and public speaking. I don't think its a coincidence that my personality is very people-based. I'm totally a people person, i love to relate to others, i love to hang out and talk and am friendly. I would love nothing more than for my gifts and talents to be able to be used to glorify HIM, to nurture and encourage some of the millions of people who have endured sexual assault. I have to believe that this can be turned around and used for good. And I do. I have faith, and more than that, i believe that God IS indeed good. I believe what He said in His word:

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Deuteronomy 7:9
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.

Psalm 31:23
Love the LORD, all his faithful people! The LORD preserves those who are true to him, but the proud he pays back in full.

Psalm 33:18
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love

Psalm 103:11
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;

That's just a few of the hits i got when searching "those who love Him" on God's word is clear- He LOVES us, and just because we can only see a tiny bit of the picture, we don't know what our future holds- what miracles we will experience, what miracles we will witness, if we just keep persevering, even when its really really hard. That is my goal, and i KNOW that through HIS power alone, He can get me through this, and he can get YOU through whatever your struggles are as well. NOTHING is too big for Him- the creator of the world. Be encouraged! He's got it covered,
With Love,

Monday, May 9, 2011

a hiccup.

Well, things were going so well, something had to give.

Here's what happened. I've really been thriving having had this newfound revelation that i could not only HEAR but EMBRACE that I am a precious child of the most high God and my value exists in THAT not in what anyone thinks of me, not ANYONE, not Andy, not my mom... not anyone. And finally its "stuck" God just managed to communicate it to me in such a way that it was far more than just dry facts but real. That was good. And is good BUT, my newfound understanding of prayer as being as easy as talking to andy and frequent as i'd talk to any good friend is a new paradigm, and something i really need to get used to. I think that when you change really fast, you leave behind old habits and sometimes its hard to find new habits to replace them, so you fall back into old habits. Well, I realized yesterday at redemption group, when one of my leaders pointed out to me that it sounds like i'm back to "doing it all myself" which is kind of my default setting- stemming from a life where i've felt like no one was trustable but me. Its true, that's exactly what I was doing.

Another problem is that realizing, truly REALIZING that all the crap that came down on me when I was young was 100% undeserved, it was WRONG, and it was EVIL, and i've been very very angry about that. God is working on something with me, and giving me an outlet for that anger, that i'm not quite ready to talk about yet, but its coming. (don't worry, it doesn't involve anything illegal, ie. homocide) Its really the first time i've been really really ANGRY about myself. I've been angry about others hurt by this same person, and others hurt in general, but not so much me.

Well, that anger has translated itself into anger directed toward God. After all, he was THERE. He put me, a helpless baby into those hands that hurt me, and forever changed me, who I was, what my future opportunities would be, all of that, and He didn't have to. He could have acted supernaturally to get me out of there. But He didn't, and I don't know why. And someday I will, but I just don't have access to those answers right now. And if he was THAT unwilling to act then, how can I trust that HIS justice would be sufficient. Because i've been thinking a lot about justice lately, and i WANT IT. It has not escaped my attention that my perpetrator is walking around, free as a bird, living life like he's NOT a serial sex offender, which he IS. He has escaped justice at every turn. That is WRONG WRONG WRONG. I've fantasized about that little, insignificant man and how easily i could TAKE him down. I've thought about how it is NO FAIR that I had to live my life in this prison while he's free. And of all perversion, that God's justice said that MY sin, was just as bad as this monster's sin. I was entertaining these thoughts, all the while knowing that i was entering into a domain which was not mine to enter. I was denying the VALUE of the one who created the universe and me along with it. I was denying the value of the One in whom i find MY value. I was placing MYSELF as a god above Him, determining that I could make justice happen MYSELF.

Sigh.... How exactly does this happen anyway? I so know better. But the other wonderful leader in my group who loves me enough to be straight with me pointed this out. She showed me how truly, my sin IS as bad as that sorry excuse for a person who tried to destroy me. I created myself as an idol. She pointed out that the first step here needed to be repentance. I knew it anyway, without her saying, so i went straight home and holed up in my bedroom with my Bible, and went to the index in the back and looked up repentance, thinking it might be a good place to start and here's the first verse i turned to. Ezekiel 18

30 “Therefore, you Israelites, I will judge each of you according to your own ways, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall. 31 Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die, people of Israel? 32 For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!

Ouch! But true. Then i turned to Isaiah 30:15-18 and read

5 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
16 You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’
Therefore you will flee!
You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’
Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
17 A thousand will flee
at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
you will all flee away,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
like a banner on a hill.”

18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

So how is that for the perfectly conveyed message by the one true God, the one who forgives me even for my atrocity, and lavished me with HIS amazing love. do you SEE all that's covered just in those last two sentences??? JUSTICE, how to be BLESSED, and what to do to make it happen- WAIT-

I think this is awe inspiring, so i will continue on, I will get up, brush the dirt off my behind and i will try again, with yet another second chance from my Lord.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

an even better mantra.

Its all good. Ultimately all that matter is this- I was created in the image of God by one who loved me enough to give me His image, even knowing all the wrong I would do. I have been ultimately accepted, loved and cherished, and I don't have to DO anything to earn that, its just the default, its unconditional love. I don't have to seek that out, i don't have to wish for it, I don't have to try to be "good" enough or effective or successful or anything. Just by virtue of being HERE I have that assurance. My creator is much bigger than the people who combined to mix my DNA. If they or anyone else treat me like i'm not "enough" then they are acting out of their own brokenness, and are not speaking truth. I can't rely on their assessment of me- I can't seek out acceptance from others who don't know their own worth, since i'm inevitably going to fall short in their eyes. Because their eyes don't recognize the marvelous creation of God, and their spirit doesn't know the depth of love that mine does. And that's much sadder for them than it is for me.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Sigh.... i have to adopt a new mantra-

"Just because i'm not loved doesn't mean i'm not lovable!"

That's my deal today. Yep, having mother issues again. Maybe its just me. I don't know. That's it. Not feeling very verbose today.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I came across a post....

from another blogger, a military wife. In it, she explains her suicide. I was shocked reading this, because while our situations are so very different, SO many of the feelings associated with long term depression are the same. I remember how hard it was to be a military wife in NON-war times, can't even imagine now. I am outraged having read this, and sad... so very sad. I will be following this lady's blog and will be praying for her.

It occurred to me, while reading her blog, how much of everything that we do is due to the grace of God alone. Its only those of us that reach that POINT, where we KNOW we can't do it alone that truly GET this, we don't have to just "believe" we KNOW by experience. I know that my life is hanging by a thin thread, that all I can do is cry out to the Lord and put my life in HIS hands (or at least acknowledge that it already is!) over and over and over again. And reassure myself constantly, that THIS is as close as i'm getting to hell.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Cardboard Testimony

Today at mops was testimony day! a wonderful, though tear-filled day that we have each year. I did a cardboard testimony, and I am not kidding when I say that i bawled like a baby the whole way up and down the stage. I think it was a good thing. Its been a long time since i've cried and really MOURNED my own lack of childhood. I OFTEN cry about other people- heck, i cry at movies and commercials, but I think i'd just gotten so distanced from myself that I'd never even thought to cry, and I have a lot to mourn. Just seeing my own children and their childhood is so foreign to me. I know God is leading me through being a co-head of a functional family, thank goodness, and its so wonderfully fulfilling to see my own children growing up safe. They are safe, loved, nurtured and most of all, not used. That is the worst feeling ever. When you grow up being used, particularily used for sexual purposes, you begin to feel like that is your function and that is all you are good for. Which is obviously not true. Each one of us is precious, created in the image of God Himself, and deserves to be cherished, loved, treated like a human being.

And it was also today that it really hit me what my dear friend who is gifted in prophecy told me almost a year ago. She told me amazing things, and i really can't share them here, but I will say that the Holy Spirit did not lie to her. They are HAPPENING in my life. I get to be the witness to miracles. What a privilege.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Forward, backward.

Forward, backward, forward, backward... doesn't it just seem like that's how it always goes? Well, after a long, hard visit by my dad, followed by bout of a nasty stomach bug, i'm starting to feel like i might be on the upswing again. I've been thinking about how its been a really HARD last few years... and how its hard to gain momentum when there's no upswing, but upon thinking about it further, i think maybe I need to rely on the little upswings, the teeny tiny ones, like coming into a day where i'm pretty sure i'll not throw up, when the day before I didn't have that security. Maybe I need to focus more on the little things.

One thing is for sure, its both a blessing and a curse to be me. I'm SO sensitive. Of course that has good aspects to it. Sensitive people are compassionate, feeling, loving, able to pick out God's leading more easily, all around more perceptive. But it comes with a brutal downside too. Being open also means that you are open to all the people that don't mean you well, and being a risk taker means that you are free to follow God's plan for you, but it also means you can befriend the wrong people and be devastated as a result of that. I choose to believe that regardless of my personal pitfalls, regardless of my personality quirks, God will not leave me stranded, God will not allow my demise.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And i'm clinging to that promise right now- as I go through a very difficult time in my life, and am eager to see what God's redemption of me looks like, and what my sanctified self looks like.

I've really come to realize how deceptive feelings are. I've come to a place where my feelings and my head knowledge about God is at polar opposition.

Isaiah 55:9
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Matthew 15:19
For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.

So, i'm going to honor what I know to be the truth and reject thoughts and feelings that conflict with that. I just have to be steadfast in my commitment to live out the truth that i know and not get bogged down by feelings.

One thing i'm really struggling with right now, is anger. I know that not all anger is wrong, that God himself gets angry, but I don't know what to do with the anger that I feel that is not negative. I guess an angry/anger word study would be a good course of action. I have to say though that I don't feel very in control of that. When i heard about the tiny little 8 yo girl who was kidnapped and raped just a little ways from OUR neighborhood, i was outraged. I was so consumed with RAGE that i could barely keep my head from popping off. So many "how" and "why" questions rushed through my head. Questions with no suitable answer, questions that only further enraged me. There is so much evil in the world. I know what its like to be born into evil, being completely helpless and at the mercy of people who had evil hearts and looked at me as something to use. But i know that those people who deffaced ME also deffaced the image of God. And they sinned against HIM as much as me. And someday that WILL be dealt with, in the fairest court of justice imaginable. I just hope someday i can NOT wish hell on those who have hurt me. I'm not there yet. Even though i GET how serious hell is, I can't go there. I hope they get what they deserve. But i'm going to TELL myself that I hope they come to know Christ so there can be reconciliation and peace and they can NOT get what they deserve. THAT's what I mean by not trusting my feelings, and instead trusting truth. Fake it till I make it? Hopefully soon, i'll make it :-) Thanks for reading.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The new discovery...

Du Jour.... I think the reason that forgiveness is so hard is because with big issues, like major forgiveness needs, the hurt doesn't just stop after the event stops. Stuff just keeps coming back... and back... and back.... and further, when one is, say, molested from toddler-hood to puberty, it really impacts your personality formation! I KNOW so much of my own screwed-up-ness is largely due to my childhood. My propensity for wanting to be a people pleaser, the HUGE fakiness that i have going on- and don't even mean to. I WANT to be a sincere person- Perhaps that explains my love of blogging! i AM real here!

We were talking about what we need to repent of and what we need to forgive, and of course the biggies that i need to forgive took center stage in my mind anyway. And the whole, "didn't I forgive that person several times before????" comes up, and yes, I did. But that's a good reason to NOT COMMIT MAJOR SINS AGAINST SOMEONE. It NEVER goes away!! Yes, i CAN and SHOULD forgive my stepfather and my mom. Yes, it has nothing to do with them, forgiveness is for ME, for my own peace and knowing i'm being obedient to my Lord and Savior. But its awfully frustrating to have to do it- Over, and OVER, and OVER. I wish it would all just GO AWAY. I wish i could just be a normal person with an average childhood. I wish my own marriage relationship wasn't so complicated, i wish i felt like i was attractive, i wish i didn't crave love and approval... the list is endless.

I guess in a nutshell, the truth is, i wish i didn't have to suffer the effects of someone else's sin against me. I wish i didn't have to take this on, for the rest of my life. But I do, and there's nothing that can be done about that. I think there's a sort of mourning in my life too... mourning what could have been.... mourning not having a mom around when i was having my babies, mourning not being able to trust men at all... mourning marital weirdness.... sigh...

Someday it will be tolerable. I'm certain of that. or at least, i have hope. I have to.

Monday, March 28, 2011


So much is going on. Thinking about it all makes my head spin. Its been a whirlwind last couple YEARS so i should be used to it by now.. it is, in fact, 2 years and 4 days from the day I found out our "baby" was "babies" The beginning of the chaos.... :-)

And I won't lie- its been a very very HARD couple years. I have gotten back in contact with my family i've been estranged from for 15 years, i've had twins, i've survived twin babyhood, i've flown to MN and left my 5 big kids with a friend (unheard of thought before i actually did it!) i travelled cross country with 2 11 month olds. I switched churches, from our long-time safe, secure, but not so right for us church, to a new, scary, God-led-us-to-it one that is bringing me JUST where i need to be (which we all know is SCARY) I've lost dreams, gained children, lost friends, gained friends, lost any sense of secrecy and shame (hence this blog) and gained a lot of uncertainty. But here I am, and the bottom line is- I trust where God is leading me. And yes, i will likely lose more friends, yes, i will probably lose close family members (that truth be told, i probably never had in the first place!) and i'm guaranteed to deal with a whole lot of rejection, pain, suffering, being lied about and to, being used, being rejected, did i mention being rejected? because i have a really hard time with that one!!!!!

But I trust HIM. And i'm doing what i have to do to make it all work- to make ME all work and become sanctified- to become the person God has called me to be. Right now, i'm preparing mentally to start the redemption group. This is a program our new church offers quarterly (I think) to minister to people who have experienced sexual assault or addictive behaviors. (yeah, for me, that would be both! Yeah, i got accepted! I'm sure i was at the top of the pathetic-ness list :-) ) And from what i've heard, its SCARY!!!! you get challenged, and yelled at, and while i'm not stranger to either, and clearly, i don't have any sense of privacy whatsoever! I am still scared. i guess part of me wonders if i'm really up to the task. If perhaps God has misplaced His confidence in me. Because sometimes, i'm a truly rotten person, and sometimes, all i can do is cry, and barely get out of bed in the morning. I don't feel like a strong person, even though common sense tells me I must be.

I don't know if i can do this- But i guess I either will or i'll die trying :-)

Friday, March 18, 2011

My latest shower revelation

So, i just got back from a LONG walk, in the POURING rain with a dear friend. Wow, how blessed Am I! i have 2 friends and a great husband who take me out walking, and talking... and what a priviledge that is!!

And how wonderful is the SHOWER when you get home, soaking wet! Showering is always the time i get my special revelations that are so refreshing and encouraging to me. And today I was blessed with one.

My life has been one long process of opening up, giving my heart to someone and getting stomped on. But somehow God has given me this resilience to get back up and give my heart to someone else. Now, don't get me wrong. SOMETIMES, my distorted self-view tends to lead me to giving my heart to the WRONG people. Not always, but sometimes. And of course, that ALWAYS ends badly. But today i realized something. This is an evil world. People are largely ruled by forces that even THEY can't always control. Its not ABOUT them! And yes, i will get hurt, i will get hurt a LOT! Sometimes i feel like i wish i was a more guarded person, that i could protect myself better that way. That comes out a LOT on my old blog. But truthfully, that's my JOB! i'm here on a mission, and it comes with hurts, but it also comes with priviledges. I can think of NO greater priviledge than to be given the opportunity to be a tiny part of God's work. That's so humbling and so amazing. I wouldn't give that up to be "safe" I wouldn't give up the opportunity for my hurt to benefit someone else. Lord knows "I" have been benefittted in such a way.

And you know what the bottom line is?? I am INVINCIBLE. Sure, you can hurt me, but do you know WHO my daddy is?? Because there is NONE more powerful. And He loves me like i'm an only child, so there! :-) :-) :-)

Fatherhood, the prodigal son, religious and rebellious people

Another great day at church and another amazing demonstration to God's outlandish grace in my life.

I spent much of the morning crying. I had a trigger yesterday that hit me late last night, and haunted me well into the morning, and left me feeling pretty hopeless. It seems that God directing us to Mars Hill has been like salve to my aching heart. And that's not an exaggeration. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my St. Lukes peeps, i LOVE LOVE LOVE them, and yesterday at the family event, was so wonderful.

The division in our church family, Ie. us choosing to worship elsewhere has been hard on all of us, and i've felt a lot of guilt about it, being the instigator. So that was piled on to an already difficult situation. But I know that God is calling me to work on my issues and this couldn't be more obviously placed at Mars Hill. I don't know what the future holds, but i'm committed to "working the program" that is, following God's lead in allowing myself to be molded into a more effective vessel for Him. I've fought His will far too long, and here's the thing: it doesn't go away! i might as well cooperate :-)

So I went into church today knowing that every single service we've attended since January has ministered to me, personally in DEEP DEEP ways. I was honestly skeptical that today would be the same since my issues were far deeper than even God could address in a group setting, right??? (HA! yeah, exactly. Did i mention I was out of sorts today?!?) So how surprised i was when Mark started talking about the state of fatherhood in America. And i'll link the video when it gets posted. its a GOOD one, i highly recommend it to everyone, its transformational. But what struck me the most was the discussion of the prodigal son, from Luke. He identified God as being the father and us as people relating to one or the other, or rather leaning toward one of the following traits

Rebellious / Religious

nonconformist/ wants to fit in

Liberal, alternative/ Conservative

innovative/ traditional

unrighteous/ SELF-righteous

There was more but i had a tragic ipod malfunction when taking notes but you get the gist of it.

What jumped out at me was that both of these brothers, (and with them the leanings of us as fallible humans) were both pathological. Its not like one brother was right and one was wrong. Really, it would be hard even to identify which brother was MORE right. It reminds me of my conflict with politics. I can't choose a party! they are both SO VERY WRONG! Likewise with these leanings toward life. It was really really easy for me to identify myself. I am the religous brother!

So yeah, I think this is common among firstborns but it was practically my mission in life as a child to be the best at EVERYTHING, even in elementary school i was in the gifted program, in high school you'd see me in every leadership position possible, (Except of course positions that required popularity, because while i had a lot of friends, lets face it- NO one enjoys being around self righteous people. They are ANNOYING) peer counselling type programs (WHAT a JOKE!) I was a debate captain for years, i was super involved with speech and debate, and that really gave me my identity, It was the ONLY thing that allowed me to feel good about myself. Mr. Staska was like a second dad to me and honestly, i can say that he changed my life immesurably and helped me to survive life then, which was hard. I remember once, Jesse Jerger in College i think, told me that i was SO stuck up in high school! I truly was shocked that he'd say that, i was like, NO way!? I wasn't offended, i just was surprised he'd say that, because that wasn't my perception at all.

But thinking about it further, NOW, 20 years after the fact, I can TOTALLY see why he would think that. As much as i was all over the place and IN everything, I was hiding horrible scary truths about my life, largely even from myself. I was hiding behind my own percieved righteousness, desperately clinging to any kind of hope that i was, indeed OK, and in order to do that, i had to convince myself that I was AWESOME. Because Ok, wasn't going to cut it when deep down i felt like NOTHING. It takes a heck of a lot of compensating to trick yourself to that degree. Even my history of childhood sexual abuse, i'd impersonalized to a degree that i knew it happened but i'd somehow managed to make it totally unemotional. Just a statement. Not like i TOLD anyone! It wasn't until i moved out of my mom's home that the fit hit the shan and the effects of the post traumatic stress disorder i'd come to later discover I had would hit full force, nightmares, increased sleep walking and night terrors, flashbacks. I had started to discover my truth was NOT unemotional, it was horrendous.

But in that, i'd also started to begin the semblance of some sort of feeling that i was maybe, possibly worth something... Like in therapy once early on when my therapist asked me, so why do you think your stepmother hated you so badly when you were a little child. And out of the blue i practically jumped out of my chair and shouted "Because i must have been REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD!" Whoa! Where did THAT come from?? Rational thinking kicked in and i knew that a 3 or 4 year old couldn't possibly be so "bad" as to not deserve love and safety and affection, but yet, deep down, that's what was going on in my head behind the scenes.

So, I digress. basically my leaning was "religous". I'd be really really really "good" in order to convince myself that i was worth something, but every once in a while, i'd slide into "rebellious" Since really, the "smoking in the alleys" crowd was much more accepting and less judgemental and i came to find peace in smoking like a chimney, drinking whenever i could get my hands on anything alcoholic and smoking pot with Amanda's brother once and my one time boyfriend Bill frequently DESPITE my fully knowing better. I mean REALLY, i was raised with pot smokers. I knew what life was like, and how ugly the whole thing was. But a lot of things about me then (and now) don't make any sense.

I find that even now, i'm HEAVILY leaning toward the religous side, then i start to feel deeply unworthy and figure out some way to swing into the rebellious realm, and that's when i do stuff that really screws up my life. Its for no other reason than the ludicrous grace of God that i haven't badly flushed my life down the toilet. Thankfully those moments have been few and far between since i've "grown up" and have slowly been making connections and developing self awareness and figuring stuff out, and unpacking the baggage to see what and who I really am. Well, i had one of those really really devastating rebellious times about 3 yrs ago, and the effects have been far more lasting then I ever could have imagined. i can't even quantify how much i've cried, how much i've beat myself up, how much i've REFUSED to accept God's gracious comfort and insisted that I was absolutely deserving of hell and bent on ending up there. When you are a religous person and you are tied up in self-righteousness its really hard to accept your own mistakes, your own failings, your own "splat on the sidewalk" moments, because you are BETTER THAN THAT!

Now, I am a Christian. I'm not SUPPOSED to be rebellious OR religious, I'm supposed to be confidently but humbling walking in the truth that i'm SAVED! i'm not going to hell no matter HOW much I think i deserve it. I am F*O*R*G*I*V*E*N without any "Buts" or conditions of any kind. Its a gift. its a promise, and i believe it, and I embrace it, but boy, are old habits hard to break!

So here i am, grappling with my own sin, wondering how I can be forgiven, yet knowing I am. Fighting SO hard to not give in to the rebellious part of me that wants to look for love in all the WRONG places and the religious part of me that wants to condemn myself to eternal damnation for whatever wrong thought or action I have, but rather to accept love from the creator of me and everything around me, who has designed me, beautiful and precious, as his daughter. One that he'd NEVER condemn.

So how about you? anyone feeling like one side or the other? does anyone have any "aha" moments from today's sermon or otherwise that's shown you what space your mind is occupying? feel free to reply!

the NEW me!

So I decided it was time to create a new blog. I'm making a fresh start and I thought a fresh BLOG would be appropriate too! I think i'll post a couple of my facebook notes that I made recently, since they are very bloggish.

My purpose in this blog, is to paint a picture of the amazing work of the Lord in my life. I am a Christian, which means that I have accepted Jesus Christ into my heart as my Lord and Savior. The old me is dead, (as i surely would have been anyway) and the new me has come forth, like a butterfly from a chrysalis. Well, not exactly. The new me is emerging... picking at the shell that holds me captive, gradually working away at the restraining tissues, doing all the necessary things to slowly crack that shell away that I might emerge and fly away- a new person. And like a butterfly, while i am trying my hardest to COOPERATE with the maker's plan for my life, that transformation is all HIS. I have done nothing to deserve or create that transformation. The glory is all HIS! I'm just privileged to have a part in all of it.

So here it is, the story of me! Thanks for joining me on this journey!!