Forward, backward, forward, backward... doesn't it just seem like that's how it always goes? Well, after a long, hard visit by my dad, followed by bout of a nasty stomach bug, i'm starting to feel like i might be on the upswing again. I've been thinking about how its been a really HARD last few years... and how its hard to gain momentum when there's no upswing, but upon thinking about it further, i think maybe I need to rely on the little upswings, the teeny tiny ones, like coming into a day where i'm pretty sure i'll not throw up, when the day before I didn't have that security. Maybe I need to focus more on the little things.
One thing is for sure, its both a blessing and a curse to be me. I'm SO sensitive. Of course that has good aspects to it. Sensitive people are compassionate, feeling, loving, able to pick out God's leading more easily, all around more perceptive. But it comes with a brutal downside too. Being open also means that you are open to all the people that don't mean you well, and being a risk taker means that you are free to follow God's plan for you, but it also means you can befriend the wrong people and be devastated as a result of that. I choose to believe that regardless of my personal pitfalls, regardless of my personality quirks, God will not leave me stranded, God will not allow my demise.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And i'm clinging to that promise right now- as I go through a very difficult time in my life, and am eager to see what God's redemption of me looks like, and what my sanctified self looks like.
I've really come to realize how deceptive feelings are. I've come to a place where my feelings and my head knowledge about God is at polar opposition.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
So, i'm going to honor what I know to be the truth and reject thoughts and feelings that conflict with that. I just have to be steadfast in my commitment to live out the truth that i know and not get bogged down by feelings.
One thing i'm really struggling with right now, is anger. I know that not all anger is wrong, that God himself gets angry, but I don't know what to do with the anger that I feel that is not negative. I guess an angry/anger word study would be a good course of action. I have to say though that I don't feel very in control of that. When i heard about the tiny little 8 yo girl who was kidnapped and raped just a little ways from OUR neighborhood, i was outraged. I was so consumed with RAGE that i could barely keep my head from popping off. So many "how" and "why" questions rushed through my head. Questions with no suitable answer, questions that only further enraged me. There is so much evil in the world. I know what its like to be born into evil, being completely helpless and at the mercy of people who had evil hearts and looked at me as something to use. But i know that those people who deffaced ME also deffaced the image of God. And they sinned against HIM as much as me. And someday that WILL be dealt with, in the fairest court of justice imaginable. I just hope someday i can NOT wish hell on those who have hurt me. I'm not there yet. Even though i GET how serious hell is, I can't go there. I hope they get what they deserve. But i'm going to TELL myself that I hope they come to know Christ so there can be reconciliation and peace and they can NOT get what they deserve. THAT's what I mean by not trusting my feelings, and instead trusting truth. Fake it till I make it? Hopefully soon, i'll make it :-) Thanks for reading.