Wednesday, May 22, 2013

A coin in the bucket


She dropped the coin into the small painted metal bucket,  once a child’s plaything, the formerly bright, cheerful colors had faded to pastel, cracked and peeling, the carousel and cartoon animals within, looking pale and tired.   Sitting alone on the dusty windowsill, the bucket was a curious contrast to the bright sun that shone through the window.   It had been a strangely long break since the layers of coins were joined by a new companion.   But as she dropped the latest coin into the tired bucket, she was transported back to earlier days.   Earlier betrayals filled it.  One after another, the coins fell.  One after another, a tiny bit of her died.  It was almost striking how the dead parts left anything left of her being.  Perhaps with each disappointment, a smaller piece was taken.   Smaller and smaller,  until she learned to guard herself carefully. 

 Inevitably though, she’d be coaxed out of her guardedness by someone promising with his eyes to be  different.   She’d open her heart and a new piece would be stolen.   And a new coin would fall into the bucket.  She should be rich by now, she thought.    And perhaps she would be when the bucket would find itself unable to hold another occupant.  When instead of a clang, she’d gingerly balance a coin on the nearly overflowing mound of copper.   Perhaps it would be another year before the bucket would find itself unable to hold one more-  Not. One. More.   Perhaps it would be sooner.  The thing about the coins was they came when they were least expected.  Obviously, had she seen them coming, she’d have prevented them from even being needed.   Sometimes she’d slam the door shut, narrowly missing heartbreak, she surmised.  Sometimes she’d run.  She’d feel the wind blowing through her long, fine hair, and feel the freedom  as it swept it up, dropping it haphazardly atop her head.  And yet, they came.   Men were the most common benefactors of the ugly unwanted gift of yet another coin.  But women… When a woman added to the pile, its burden was exponentially weightier.   Women were cruel.  Men were selfish and oppressive, taking what didn’t belong to them, but women- They knew how to inflict a particular brand of suffering on their unwitting recipient. 

Fearing men and hating women was no way to live.  And life marched on- slowly- almost painfully so.  And sure enough, as soon as she began, once again, to listen to the lovebirds as they sang a dainty spring tune, and the wind as it majestically roared through the tall pine trees,  exuding their power and might upon whatever was in its path, another coin would find itself into the ugly little bucket. 

Today’s coin was courtesy of the new shrink.  She really, really, hated shrinks.  They were either harmless and incompetent or brusque and harsh.  This one was the latter.  As she trembled, speaking her truth, telling her story, she stopped periodically to blot her eyes.  The tears always seemed to betray her.  She loved her tough exterior.  It was sexy and rugged and invincible.   But the minute she was faced with telling the stories, she dissolved into a puddle of tears.  Disgusting! She hated herself for the puddle of tears.  “DRY UP!” she’d repeat, in her own head, a relic of earlier years as a sobbing little girl, being screamed at, to “DRY UP!”  by the man she peered up at, through her squinty brown eyes,  who stood over twice as tall as she,  round like a buddha, and nearly naked as one.   As she looked up his mean eyes threatened her and she stifled the sobs, as carefully as she could, breaking out with an occasional burst of air from her lungs which refused to contain it any longer into her waiting hands, covering her face.

Today, as she sat in the small, cold, office her familiar harangue filled her own head.   “DRY UP, stupid woman!” she’d repeat silently until the tears stopped.   The story she told, the same every time, for the gawker-du-jour, the voyeur into her  special hell,  who was the one who was supposedly going to make her better.    Of course it never happened.   The  years passed.  She grew older, replacing her supple tan skin for lighter finely crinkled, slightly less elastic skin.  Her blonde streak emanating from the corner of her hairline, just above her left eyebrow, expanded each year, looking ever so slightly more GRAY than blonde.   The plump blonde haired woman with the teal blouse with a thick ruffle around the plunging neckline had a voice that was hoarser than the woman expected.   She had many more surprises to come.   As the woman recounted, yet again, the sordid past she’d somehow emerged from the shrink would add a running commentary.   

She didn’t think to be offended- not at first anyway, but as she ruminated on the words that spilled out of the shrink’s overactive mouth, the woman realized the heftiness of the implications therein.   “It’s common,” the shrink emotionlessly commented, “for a child molested before the age of 5 to split into multiple personalities.  It then becomes necessary to merge the personalities to help that person become a whole person”  The woman balked.  “Um, NO.  I don’t have multiple personalities. “   The shrink continued the line of questioning and settled on her next point.  “Did your mother do drugs when she was pregnant with you?”  “How the hell would I know that? The woman silently mocked.  “I don’t even remember my 10th birthday party. “  She politely replied.   “I don’t know.  Probably.  I might be able to ask my dad.”   “Because,”  went on the shrink, “drug use, even, they are discovering, simply marijuana, can cause significant behavioral issues and cognitive problems to the developing fetus.  “So she’s talked to me for 5 minutes and already she’s discovered a catastrophic  mental break resulting in multiple persons living inside my head, as well as the suggestion that I am either brain damaged or STUPID.  Nice, “ Thought the woman.   But the final blow was yet to come.   The woman could barely believe she’d heard the shrink correctly when she asked, “Were you raped? Penetrated with a penis or an object? Or did he just touch you?”  Did he JUST touch me?  Did she seriously just say that?  Did he JUST touch me?  Instead of smacking the smug shrink upside the head, she replied politely, “I’m not sure.  I, um… d-don’t have a lot of memory.  I remember a few details, but I can’t say for certain.” The detailed questioning went on,  The awkward, stuttered answers following.

The familiar feeling washed over the woman as she walked down the sidewalk to her waiting vehicle, grateful to be breathing the fresh air instead of the stale office air, glad to be free of the pointed, invasive, diagnostic questions, realizing that yet again, she’d shared a part of her with someone wholly unworthy of her trust and her story.   It didn’t really matter anyway, she told herself as she started the truck’s loud engine.   But she knew she was lying to herself.  She knew the coin would fall, devoured by the ocean of similar, faceless coins that resided in the bucket.   And another- YET another -part of the woman died that day.  

Monday, May 20, 2013

Daring Greatly Book Study: Chapter 1

1. Scarcity- Does the constant perception of scarcity in your life haunt you?

Um.... YES! Hence using the word "haunt" in the question.   Seriously, I have a husband and 7 children. we live on one moderately low income considering our local economy, we live in a house that's 1250 sq. feet.  We have enough of everything we need.  95 percent (if my statistics are right) of the world live with far less than us, and yet we are held hostage in one way or another by the idea that "enough"=more.   We have healthy food to eat, we have clothing, we have a roof over our head, we have medical care, we have ENOUGH.  Why do we so often not feel like it?!

2. On Page 21, or Kindle location 299, Dr. Brown speaks of how narcissism is not relieved by cutting people down to size, because most likely narcissism is caused by shame.   Do you have any narcissistic people in your life? Does this description sound accurate to you?

Yes.  and that's all I'm going to say on a public forum, BUT, I will also add that I do wholeheartedly agree that shame plays a domineering role in the person in my life who tends toward the narcissistic.  Which is frustrating.  You can't fix someone else's shame.

3. Do you think our culture contributes to a sense of "not being enough?"  Any thoughts on the questions posed on page 23, location 323?

Yes.  I think that we are in a very materialistic place where we are expected to have all, do all, and be all.  its very difficult in light of that, to see ourselves as enough.

4.  On page 25-  a quote-  Does this resonate with anyone?

Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we're already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something.  And by the time we go to bed at night, ou minds are racing with a litany of what we didn't get, or didn't get done that day. 

Yes.  Most certainly it does! I describe my job as a mother as the most guilt inducing job ever.  I will NEVER be successful at it.   I know I could go in the workforce and be VERY successful at any number of things.  But my heart is here, and i choose to do THIS job, despite it being so very hard, and so very hard to feel successful at.  I never realized before that in having this kind of thought pattern, I was setting myself up for failure, never considering myself to be "enough"  So what if we don't do everything on the curriculum plan today.  So what if we take a month to read a particular book! that's so silly!  Honestly, my success as a mother lies in how engaged I am.  If i'm zoned out, just eeking through life, i'm going to be less successful, even if i get MORE done.

5.  Enough questions for me today.  Can you ask a question? What important point did I miss? 

Daring Greatly Book Study- Introduction and study info.



A few thoughts on this format:

I have tried multiple times to participate in online book studies and found them either too fast or too slow to really be able to fit for me.  In hopes of ameliorating that problem for others I designed this so that years later, someone could happen upon this study, and participate at whatever pace is comfortable for them.  Those of you starting off with me, will have to be patient with my pace, as while i read a lot, my time on the computer is and should be limited!  

Right now on my comments i've disallowed "anonymous" comments, but i'll reinstate them if need be. 

I prefer to not have anonymous responses, because i'd really like for us to get to know one another, relate to each other, etc.  But understanding that online is forever and you may not be willing to be so honest if you can't be anonymous, I'd love it if you could come up with a stage name, like "fairygirl" or something like that and use it consistantly.  That way we can get to know you, but you can still maintain a level of anonymity. 

 Please feel free to email me, my email is in my profile now, if you aren't able to make up a pseudonym and reply.  I'm not exactly sure if anon. needs to be enabled to do that. 


1. In the opening to the introduction, Dr. Brown speaks of vulnerability in terms like, "excruciating" and "complicated."  How do you feel about vulnerability.  What comes to mind when you hear "vulnerability?"

For me, I have a mixed response.  I'm a really odd person, in that I was hurt a lot for most of my life, and SHOULD be hardened enough to not trust people, but for some reason I do.  I don't know why, and i think its a mixed bag.  On the one hand, i'm soft- i'm compassionate and caring and let people "in" which is critical to having healthy relationships.  On the other hand, I lack boundaries to keep myself safe so i tend to get hurt MORE as a result of that.  As a result, how i'd feel about vulnerability varies based on how recently I've been badly hurt.

2. The therapist describes vulnerability as "exquisite."  Can you picture that? Can you feel the "exquisite" in vulnerability?

Yes.  I am very vulnerable as a person, as any reader of my blog can tell, and I have been both burned and blessed by that openness.  I have found that for me, vulnerability has stretched the experience both negative and positive, in other words, my "exquisites" are, I suspect, vastly more exquisite than those who do not embrace vulnerability and my "excruciatings" are also more excruciating.  Provided i'm not just "doing it wrong" I suspect that's what a general feeling of vulnerability feels like.  You are open to much more joy but also much more pain.

3. What do you make of Dr. Brown's quote- 

"Connection is why we are here.  We are hardwired to connect with others.  It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it, there is suffering."

I agree.  I think though, that its a double edged sword.  There's also suffering when you do connect closely with others, just by virtue of the fact that humans are HUMAN.  We hurt people, sometimes intentionally, sometimes otherwise.  Is it worth it? I think so.

4. Wholehearted.  What are your thoughts on wholeheartedness?  What do you think about worthiness and how it plays into the ability of one to be whole hearted?  Do YOU feel like a worthy person?  Do you struggle with seeing yourself as worthy of what you have?

Hmm... this one is hard.  I struggle with worthiness, but overall I think I've overcome this issue... but it creeps back in every once in a while.  I have general self esteem issues so perhaps i'm not even clear with myself on whether i find myself worthy.  I was abused as a child, which greatly colored my perception of myself, and 19 years into adulthood, i overall know the truth about who I am, but still occasionally find myself slipping into old thought patterns.  I think that worthiness absolutely enables one to be wholehearted.

5.  Dr. Brown speaks of being concerned about how being vulnerable would reflect on her in her profession.  Do you have any obstacles to being vulnerable? if so, what are they? 

I find that for me, being vulnerable means hurting others, and being really empathetic, i have a hard time with that.  Also I struggle with not wanting to lose friends.  So my tendency is to withhold the real me, out of respect to others and their feelings, and out of the fear of being rejected.  I'm struggling with that now. I am choosing to BE vulnerable, while being gentle as possible, but i'm choosing to not pretend anymore.  I am who I am.  If others don't like it, that is their choice.  If others choose to not want to be friends with me, that too is their choice.  I feel like my worth is much greater when I AM vulnerable, honest, and real.

6.  If you are a parent, as a general rule, are you engaged?

Oh wow.  This one is super hard for me, because if I'm truthful with myself, i'd admit that no.  Most of the time I'm NOT engaged with my children.  I tend to sleepwalk through life, just weathering the storms and trying to keep everyone alive.  Life is difficult right now, but I will say that when I AM engaged, the rewards are out of this world.  I need to make more of an effort to be more engaged.





Daring Greatly Study/discussion

Ok, so today sucks.  I'm sick, i'm sad, i can't seem to get my mind of someone that it needs to be off of, so i've been trying to distract myself in the least self-destructive ways possible.  right now, that is reading.   I'm working through the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, which is an amazing book.  Its a must read, i think for EVERYONE, and further, for people who are struggling, like me.  So i'm going to start a discussion and would love for anyone interested to pop in through the comments and we can carry on a book study/discussion right here.  I'm going to be working through the book really fast, most likely, so i'll make a post for each chapter discussing my thoughts of the major points, and you can all chime in as time allows.  that way you won't feel stressed or like you need to finish at a set time.

The book:        

I bought the Kindle version from Amazon, link here http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1369084197&sr=1-2 Because, when you buy the kindle version, you can also get the whispersync audio version for only $3.99 which is a slammin deal.  You can read on the computer, or on a kindle or like me, on an ipod or ipad (or iphone)  So its really versatile.  I love having all my books in my pocket.  
OR, for the same price of getting the Kindle plus audio version you could get the hardcover copy for $13.99 here http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592407331/ref=sr_1_1_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369084729&sr=1-1&keywords=brene+brown   Or, get it from the library.  Just GET IT!  Really!! :)

I'm absolutely enamored these days with Brene Brown's stuff.  I saw her video on TedX on youtube, here.  I'll try to embed the video.  


So after watching this, you are most certainly as enamored with Brene as much as I am and are motivated to get started! if not, check out some of her other resources... 


Here's the video series from Oprah's Super Soul Sunday series, which i watched and was crazy motivated by....  Super Soul Sunday Brene Brown series

Here's some of Brene's amazing free downloads-  Downloads

And here's her blog.   Brene Brown's Blog

So hopefully i've motivated you to want to join me on this journey.  Perhaps you are sick of being a faker.  Perhaps you know you struggle with resisting vulnerability.  Perhaps you have been deeply hurt and want to find your way back to being yourself.  Perhaps, like me, your life doesn't make sense anymore and you just want to figure out who you really are.  If so, please join me for this book study! i think we have a lot to learn from Brene and from each other!!  First post coming REALLY soon- but remember, don't feel rushed, do it when you finish the intro. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Our weekend.

What a great weekend we had! my friend Lynn gave me a gift of a night away for my last birthday and we just haven't gotten a plan together to do it, so on our big situation thursday, we decided we wanted to do this RIGHT away, and really, for me, planning last minute works best because then I don't waste too much time obsessing about it.  I'm a planner.  its about my favorite thing.   And for this opportunity we took out our savings and decided to really make it good.  because, and this is my new mantra, "Its cheaper than divorce!"  So began our lets-save-our-marriage-weekend.

And it was a good one.  Most importantly, we had a lot of time to talk about our issues, our goals,  each other, and spend some good quality one on one time together, for the first time since our oldest was born, 18 years and 2 days ago.  We decided that we want to for sure do this at least once a year.  We just have to make each other a priority.  I feel like we basically made peace, though i think it will be a long time before i'm truly at peace with the issue, if at all.  I'm resigned to deal with it, because I am not in the position where i have a right to make choices for myself that clash with my family's well being, and also, my family is pretty terrific.  I still feel like a part of me died.  I don't know where God's going with this, but i'm ok with trusting Him.  So that's what i'm doing.  One day at a time.

So our trip-  we really splurged and our major expense settled in 2 major areas, 1. the cruise!  2. the hotel.   we went on a history of Seattle lunch cruise through Elliott bay, and had the most amazing lunch buffet, complete with salad before, (my favorite part of the meal, it was a yummy veggie/lettuce salad with real crab, and strawberry shortcake with scones afterward... drool...   here's some pictures.   I also got some GREAT video clips of the history presentation which will be on my youtube page as soon as i get to it, aka, probably not for a looong time. http://www.youtube.com/user/mamakven








so, to GET to the cruise, we first parked at our hotel, then took the link train to Pioneer Square and then had to hoof it, and FAST to the waterfront.  I was running to keep up with Andy's brisk pace, with his crazy long legs, and rushing so we wouldn't miss the cruise, as we were late, for a change :).  we eventually found a cab and got to hail one, which i've always wanted to do, except Andy did it, and it was parked not driving.  Oh well, it got us to the cruise on time so i was not complaining. So we did the cruise, which was awesome.  They totally treat you like royalty, very cool.  We decided we could get used to that!   then after the cruise, we went on the new waterfront ferris wheel.  it was expensive, but made for some amazing pictures.



Isn't this one AMAZING? its Andy's.  He had always planned to be a photographer for a living, but life got in the way.  Totally planning to print this out huge and frame it. 



Then we walked back to the link, stopping on the way at the fabulous Magic mouse toy store... drool.... i swear, i could spend all my money on toys...  so much fun.  I was frugal but scored a couple wind up toys, and invisible ink activity books!! a relic from my childhood.  so much fun.  I told the kids they were SO sharing with mama.   Then we stopped at the cow chip cookie store which was right next to Starbucks- AKA the intersection between awesome and heaven.   And had a cookie, some water and made a facebook pit stop.



then we went back on the train and headed back to the hotel.  I was SO wrecked when we got off the train that the two blocks uphill seemed to take FOREVER.  Also, i couldn't find my favorite tennis shoes, the ones that are a couple years old, so i had to bring their replacements.  the new shoes that i don't like.  And i got HORRID blisters.  Which proved to Andy that I wasn't just being a baby :)




i found a slammin deal on priceline, took a chance, and ended up staying at the Airport Mariott.  It was AMAZING.  here's some pictures of the lobby.  wow...   the pool was amazing too but neither of us were willing to bring our ipods there so no pictures.









So we vegged out in our hotel room, which was small, but sooo comfy, the bed was amazing.  We SO need to get a king size bed!!!  and there was 6 pillows...  :)  It was AWESOME.   so we vegged out for a while, then went to the lobby to use the wifi, then headed out for dinner, settling on Red Robin, where we had a light dinner due to our huge lunch.  we came back to the hotel, and changed into swim suits and waited patiently for adult only in the pool time, which came late, but was worth it, as it was so nice to have NO kid noise.  we soaked in the hot tub till we were semi- roasted and then came upstairs took showers and settled in for the night...   Wine, fudge, alone time...  it was very nice.  AND we got to sleep naked for the first time in a long time, which i know is TMI, but seriously, was the highlight of the trip.  I'm pretty sure when our kids move out we will be nudists. What do you bet i'm going to be in big trouble for posting that?  My leg muscles are KILLING me now, wowza, did yesterday's massive walk/running kick my butt!



So today was more laid back, we vegged out around the hotel for a short while, trying to sleep in, but its just so not in our nature.. so we got up snuggled,  packed up, checked out and headed off to Denny's for breakfast.   We then went to half price books and barnes and noble, our usual date destination, and then office max to price photo printers, Pretty sure i'm going to buy that selphy, as soon as i'm sure the financial stuff is squared away.   So at that point we decided we were going to skip the symphony and go home early.  we missed the kiddos and we figured they'd want to get out of the house too, so we took them out to eat at puerta vallarta.   And even got them to sing for Alex!  My baby is so handsome in a sombrero.  And he let me have most of his birthday ice-cream as he hates dairy :)  And it was appropriate, as his birthday is really special to me. Its the day i became mom.  <3



So that's about it! it was amazing!  I'm working on quelling my negative nature and trying to focus on all the things i DO have to look forward to.  I have an amazing husband, 7 beautiful, talented, intelligent children, we have everything we really need, and live in paradise.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  Prayers would be appreciated.  I'm still hurting a lot.





Friday, May 17, 2013

My massive crisis of faith.

Wow, the last few months have been a whirlwind of emotion.  I feel like i could sleep for a week.   I've been going over this blog post in my head all morning.  I got up at 530 with Andy, we got ready, had breakfast and I brought him to work, since we realized I'd really need to have the car if i'm going to get everything done that needs to be done for the weekend, because we are going AWAY for the weekend... more on that later!  In the last 3 hours, i've gotten dressed, had breakfast part 1 and breakfast part 2,  did a 2 cart grocery trip at safeway, unloaded and put away all the groceries, cleaned out the freezer in a massive way in order to be able to put away the groceries...  all before 830 am, and before any of the kiddos were up :) I love it when God blesses me with productivity.  Its so easy to feel like a constant failure in this job.

The crisis:


Anyway,  Something really big has been going on with me in the last few months.  I would love to share more, but i really need to keep this anonymous for the sake of the other person involved, so i'm going to not share any details, other than to say that i had an affair.  It was a big one, even though we aren't near each other geographically.  It was serious, primarily because it was a love of mine from long ago, circumstances were such that he was in a position to help me figure out what happened back then, as its mostly a blur, i have bits and pieces of memory, but most of it is just plain gone.  I have PTSD, and with that comes massive memory loss.  Unfortunately, in my mind's attempt to shield me from trauma i'd not be able to survive remembering, other than slowly, piece by piece, it coming back in flashbacks or dreams like   One of my senses tends to remember a sight, a sound, a smell, ...  it also shields me from things i SHOULD remember, things that i WANT to remember.  Its made me feel like a very incomplete broken person.   Its left me feeling like bits of a person, like a vase i'm somehow trying to piece together.   And i have to admit, i'm really really MAD about that. Its changed my life, its weakened me to the point of near death SO many times.  

And one thing in this incident that I lost sight of, is that God's way of mercy is that while he DOES allow horrible, unspeakable things to happen to people who were defenseless and tiny and alone, he ALSO provides an extra special measure of blessing and grace to those people. 

Seriously, i'd gotten to the point in this whole situation where i was entertaining thoughts like, "maybe i am just too broken and inherently flawed to even have a CHANCE at salvation.  Maybe this is why i'm here- somewhere i never thought i'd be and something i don't have any hope of getting out of."  I didn't realize that God WAS with me, and not only was he protecting me from the tiniest slip that would have pushed me over the edge with my marriage- because, believe me, i was TEETERING that edge.  The balance beam i was walking was such a sliver, that its nothing short of a miracle that my marriage is intact and on the mend, but that he was using SO much of what was going on in my heart and in my special friend's heart, (he's a person also in need of that extreme grace, having been in an entirely different, yet, still entirely hopeless condition)  I hope to share just a bit of that with you today, because God has shown himself to me so much that it must be shared.  

The breakdown:


Yesterday i had a meeting with a friend who was particularly qualified to help us with this situation, and my husband.  We entered the meeting with me in a complete and utter state of delusion and unrepentant refusal to change anything i was doing, and Andy entered it in complete, and justified RAGE.  Poor friend of mine who was helping us with this! wow, she endured a whole lot of emotion that day.  She gave me a gentle but HONEST rundown of what i was doing.  It burned whenever she'd say "sin"  I totally didn't want to hear it.  but she really did help me to see what i was doing, and why it was wrong.  She also helped me to see who i AM.  I am a Christian woman, i am a wretch who has been saved by complete grace, from a future that would most certainly ended in suicide LONG ago, were His special and extra-special grace not upon me from birth.   I wish i had the words to convey to you all how extreme this truly is.  I am a decent writer but words- they just don't go there.  They are just insufficient to even come close to what i've experienced.  Anyway, it was a long heated discussion with screaming and swearing by Andrew and Crying and crying and crying, by me.  But there reached a point where something just shifted.  and soon we were both in tears and telling each other that we loved each other and that we wanted to make this work.   It was nothing short of a miracle.  I wish you all could have been there.  Ok, nevermind, no i don't :) 

The miracles:

In addition to the MIRACLE that is the saving of my marriage (and 7 other people's futures as well)  So many things in me were changed.  God took a crazy situation that my SF and I found ourselves in and used it to bless us.  For me, i can say that i've been changed so much I can hardly recognize myself.  I have always struggled with a really really poor self image.  It took someone else, who was not legally contracted to :) to see me as beautiful, for me to actually see that myself.  I walk differently now.  I make eye contact more readily.    Also, for now, and hopefully permanently, my eating issues aren't seeming to be a problem.  I have struggled with emotional eating for most of my life and will think i've overcome it and then its back.  I'm losing weight and feeling really good about feeling my pain instead of trying to numb it out.   I think i really gained appreciation for my sweet husband and the struggles he has had in life.  We are both starting therapy and i look forward to being his partner in walking through this together.  Helping each other through our valleys.    I know i'm different in other ways that i'm not thinking of, in the moment, but my life is so much better.  

To my special friend:

I hope you get to read this.  I don't think i had a chance to express to you how much i love and appreciate you.  How much you've changed me and blessed me.   Its really hard right now, and it was even harder in that moment yesterday, deciding to trust God with the momentous task of transforming my love for you, (because i know i'll never NOT love you, nor do i want to NOT love you)  into a pure and holy love.  Someday you and your wife and Andrew and I will be together in a place where there's no conflict, no pain, no unholy love.  And we will all be united as part of the body of Christ together.  But until that time, I'm praying for the abilty to love you as the precious brother that you are.  I know that God has the same extraordinary grace for you that He does for me.  I know your life will turn around as a result of His work in us.  Please know that i am praying for your growth as the Godly man that you are, and that everything that holds you back from being an extra-honorable man will be gone.  I wish you a wonderful marriage, and the chance to be an amazing daddy and all the gifts that come with those most important blessings.  You are so amazing.  Thank you for sharing yourself with me, I pray that you will stay soft and share yourself with her.  She's going to LOVE you.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for changing me. I'll never forget you. 

To my friend who helped us through yesterday:

You have no idea how much we love you and appreciate you, girl! You have been a blessing to us in so many ways.  Your gifts are so clear and so bountiful that you are a world-changer.  So very glad to be a part of your life, and to be one of those you have helped transform.  

To Andrew:

Oh my love, i can't even begin to articulate how much your extraordinary grace means to me.  I know that God gave that to you, because its super-human.  REALLY.  Thank you for choosing our family.  Thank you for being there for me and for the many more times you will be there for me, as i bawl my eyes out, over something that is the most painful thing you've had to endure.  But you are there, holding me up.  Just like you were on our wedding day, when i saw my mom in the audience, glaring at me, and started to shake and you held my hand so tightly ready to grab me if i did indeed collapse, as i truly thought I would.   Just like we walked down that aisle into our future as husband and wife, we are still walking, with you holding me up, while i tremble, unable to deal with the shots coming at me.  But thanks to your strong hands, I don't fall.  Thank you for that. Thank you for the ways that you have changed me- by showing me unimaginable forgiveness, for standing firm, when i put the heat on you in unimaginable ways.    Thank you for being renewed in your role as our family leader.  Thank you for praying with me last night and yesterday afternoon.  Thanks for reminding me about God when i forget.You are a miracle and i'm proud to call you my husband.

The weekend getaway:

We are blessed to have a dear friend who will be watching our children, while Andrew and i have our FIRST EVER night away from all the kiddos!!! (not counting childbirth, because that SO DOESN'T count!!!)  We are taking all day saturday and sunday and overnight saturday and still don't have a plan, but we will be taking time to do some touristy things, and veg out in a hot tub and have some good quality alone time and prayer time with no interruptions,  WOOT!!!!  Can't even express how excited i am about this!!!!!  And all this the day after our oldest child turned 18.  WOW.  Talk about mix of crazy emotions.  I have an ADULT CHILD.  What the heck?!

In closing:

I will say thank you for reading this.  Thank you for being a part of my life in whatever way you are and thank you for reading with grace and sharing my joy and pain.  I see a lot more joy than pain in my future, and i'm so grateful to God for that.  I hope you can see clearly God's place in your life as well. He's there :)  Even when you'd rather not be seen :)   God bless you all. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Stuff/ mothers' day

I thought i'd take a few minutes i have while waiting for the grownup pizzas to cook to update my blog.  Today was a bit on the rough side.  Just feeling kind of melancholy, dealing with house stuff, kid stuff, emotional stuff....   and of course I'm probably PMSing and have mother's day on the mind, which is never a good thing.  Mother's day stresses me out.  I know i'm not the only one too.   However, Andy snapped a series of really cool pics of me and Ash the other day, when he was being particularly snuggly.  and it struck me that this is what motherhood looks like now.   Its not such a crashing disappointment when you get to be the mom, because you can choose to engage or not, to be present or abandon, to participate or check out...






Aren't the effects cool? and i really like the composition of the square photos.  i never used to be a fan of instagram, its like, WHY would you intentionally degrade your pictures,  but its growing on me,  Here's my link of all my instagram pics.  Not a lot so far, but hope to add more... http://instagram.com/mamakven  



Tonight we went to our old church... Andy delivered there earlier last week and mentioned it and mentioned how much he missed the fellowship and the sense of belonging.  I could certainly relate.  We love our current church but we never quite became a part of it and now that Ash is scaling the nursery gate we have to decide whether to have one of us alternate in the nursery or stay home with him, (which would mean missing his AWESOME sunday school class, not great) or attend our old church again, where he can't escape, or ??? because just skipping church every week isn't going to work.  I'm feeling just generally kind of lost lately...  melancholy, glum, lost in my thoughts, Its just one of those weeks where i really wish it was like 6 weeks from now.   Ah well, I am well aware the time is a gift- every day is a gift, and i'm not guaranteed tomorrow let alone 6 weeks from now.   i guess i'm just having difficulty finding joy in life right now.  my hobbies don't feel like fun anymore, i don't feel like doing anything.  Yep, i'm starting therapy again, tuesday.  Think Ken is going to have his work cut out for him this time around.    ah well...  Happier posts will be coming.  I suspect.