Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Why i haven't posted in a while...

So i haven't posted here in a while.  The reason is, i've been going through a very serious situation, one that has completely and utterly changed me,  its taught me so many lessons, and showed me who I can trust and who i can't.  Its proved to me that sometimes i really am just plain alone in the world.  And that i have to be ok with that, i have to be ok in my own skin.  I've not posted a Daring Greatly chapter, largely because i've not had the courage to dare greatly.  Sometimes, i'm learning, authenticity must take a backseat to the needs of others.  That's a frustrating understanding when you live your whole life focused "solely" on the needs of others, and then you reach a point, like I did, where something JUST for you comes up.  And its then that you realize that your life really isn't your own, you've painted yourself into a corner, and there's really nothing that you can do about it.  And that no matter WHAT you do, you will still be considered by most everyone to be a scumbag.   And what's worse, no one truly understands where you are.  No one gets the path that you are on that put you in this place, and frankly, no one cares.  You must tow the line, you must do what is expected of you.  And you know it.  And at some point you have to just NOT care what others think of you.  You have to live your life, you have to realize that many of the people that judge you, do so having had their own life experience that was very similar.  They are content to be hypocrites and throw you under the bus, having no compassion, no understanding, no cognizance of the fact that THEY were YOU once.   And it is what it is.

The fact is, i'm a changed person, and i don't fit anymore.  And i don't know what to do about that.  Its wreaking havoc on my mental health, on my marriage, on my psyche.  But i can't DO anything about it, i just have to keep on going.  Denial only goes so far, and while you can keep yourself busy, you can keep yourself distracted, you can use alcohol to quiet your brain, the fact remains that there are quiet moments, when you simply can't escape yourself any longer.   And you are face to face with yourself- your own disastrous train-wreck self.  And that sucks.  I'm hoping to get to the point where I can truly understand that scared lonely girl in the mirror.  Where i can look back and say, "you are ok.  It is what it is-  keep going. You have a lot of people counting on you"   And just feel ok about that.  

I hope to post more.  i hope to get to the point where i'm courageous enough to post more.  Because being cowardly isn't my style at all.  And no matter how hurt I get putting myself out there, its my nature.  Because deep down, i know that there's a great success story inside of me, trying to come out.  A story of beating the odds, of NOT lying down and telling those who have tried so hard to kill me, "YOU WIN"  Because honestly, that's what i want to do.  The fact that i'm alive right now is 100% due to my children who need me, and who love me no matter the train-wreck i've become.

Thanks for listening-  thanks for reading and withholding judgement.  Thanks for being my friends.