Wow...

So much is going on. Thinking about it all makes my head spin. Its been a whirlwind last couple YEARS so i should be used to it by now.. it is, in fact, 2 years and 4 days from the day I found out our "baby" was "babies" The beginning of the chaos.... :-)

And I won't lie- its been a very very HARD couple years. I have gotten back in contact with my family i've been estranged from for 15 years, i've had twins, i've survived twin babyhood, i've flown to MN and left my 5 big kids with a friend (unheard of thought before i actually did it!) i travelled cross country with 2 11 month olds. I switched churches, from our long-time safe, secure, but not so right for us church, to a new, scary, God-led-us-to-it one that is bringing me JUST where i need to be (which we all know is SCARY) I've lost dreams, gained children, lost friends, gained friends, lost any sense of secrecy and shame (hence this blog) and gained a lot of uncertainty. But here I am, and the bottom line is- I trust where God is leading me. And yes, i will likely lose more friends, yes, i will probably lose close family members (that truth be told, i probably never had in the first place!) and i'm guaranteed to deal with a whole lot of rejection, pain, suffering, being lied about and to, being used, being rejected, did i mention being rejected? because i have a really hard time with that one!!!!!

But I trust HIM. And i'm doing what i have to do to make it all work- to make ME all work and become sanctified- to become the person God has called me to be. Right now, i'm preparing mentally to start the redemption group. This is a program our new church offers quarterly (I think) to minister to people who have experienced sexual assault or addictive behaviors. (yeah, for me, that would be both! Yeah, i got accepted! I'm sure i was at the top of the pathetic-ness list :-) ) And from what i've heard, its SCARY!!!! you get challenged, and yelled at, and while i'm not stranger to either, and clearly, i don't have any sense of privacy whatsoever! I am still scared. i guess part of me wonders if i'm really up to the task. If perhaps God has misplaced His confidence in me. Because sometimes, i'm a truly rotten person, and sometimes, all i can do is cry, and barely get out of bed in the morning. I don't feel like a strong person, even though common sense tells me I must be.

I don't know if i can do this- But i guess I either will or i'll die trying :-)