Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Little things...

Right now i'm plagued. I'm not plagued with big things, rather little things... a WHOLE bunch of little things. My own progress toward finding me has been postponed a week, and tomorrow i get back to the work of figuring out what i need to do to get back on track. But I'm aware that the regular everyday stuff is enough sometimes to derail an otherwise reasonably well life. I've been having facebook issues- I think the biggest issue of all is i've just been spending too much TIME on facebook, I think that's where God's been leading me with all this. But its bickering. And granted, i have a LOT of bickering already going on in my life so my tolerance level for bickering is probably quite a bit less than the average person. But the fact is- i'm NOT a "tough" person. I'm discovering I AM a "strong" person, Praise the LORD who created my gifts and sustains me, but watching my friends, often people I love tear each other to shreds tears ME to shreds emotionally. And i can't do it anymore. This, i realize, IS a good thing. The fact is, there has been so precious little of "me" to go around anyway- time is time, be it a few minutes here, and a few minutes there. And I think its a bigger issue too of "who" my friends are. As i was lamenting my concern about having idolatry issues toward money, on "the City" which is my church's version of facebook, sorta... I got several really kind, thoughtful responses. and the last one ended her reply with

" Love ya sister"

Ahhh.... what a beautiful thing to say, what a generous and kind, and wonderful ending to a thoughtful post. And the thing is- I believe her. I know where she finds this love for a person she only met a few months ago. I have a connection to that source, and it gives me the ability to love as well. But not as well as I'd like. I'd like to be one who loves excessively, lavishly, ridiculously. I'd love to be one who when hearing the phrase of the latest blog post by the amazing Ann Voscamp

(Which, by the way is a MUST READ. Do yourself a favor and read it.) I'd love to not have the response I have when I hear the title of her blog post- "when you've been wounded, cheated, disappointed, and heartbroken." I'd love for my mind to not immediately rush to a few select people: the man who took my innocence without a second thought, The woman who allowed it all to happen and never even ONCE even expressed that she was sorry, the boy at the beach who threatened me if i didn't show him what was under my swimsuit. The man that I trusted that led me down a path that I regret so greatly that I can barely look at him without wanting to burst into tears. And those are only the big things.... As my post title indicates, more than those are the little things.

The broken window by the developmentally delayed toddler who had an ear infection and his best response was to rage out- the CONSTANT financial burdens that threaten to bury me alive, the events whizzing past my head so fast that my sleep deprived "been up with a screaming or nursing toddler for 5 nights straight now" brain just can't compete.... I go through the day HOPING, just HOPING that i got my calendar straight, that I didn't miss one of the bazillion things that demands my attention. The people.... OH LORD, the people... WHY is it so darn hard to get along with PEOPLE? Why am I such a "people person" Sometimes I really wish i was an introvert so i could sink into my own world, my own happy little world, with pictures, and colorful adjectives, and pretty things. But that's not me. I know, i need to not wish away what God has so carefully created me to be. His knowledge is obviously far superior to my own. Maybe someday i'll fully appreciate who God has created me to be and LIKE her. But right now i'm not there. Being her really hurts. It just really hurts a lot. But i'll be ok. My daddy is the king. Someday all this crap will be a faint memory and my REAL life in my REAL home will be a reality.

I wish you all well, as i fight the urge to wish that day was NOW.

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