Monday, April 4, 2011

The new discovery...

Du Jour.... I think the reason that forgiveness is so hard is because with big issues, like major forgiveness needs, the hurt doesn't just stop after the event stops. Stuff just keeps coming back... and back... and back.... and further, when one is, say, molested from toddler-hood to puberty, it really impacts your personality formation! I KNOW so much of my own screwed-up-ness is largely due to my childhood. My propensity for wanting to be a people pleaser, the HUGE fakiness that i have going on- and don't even mean to. I WANT to be a sincere person- Perhaps that explains my love of blogging! i AM real here!

We were talking about what we need to repent of and what we need to forgive, and of course the biggies that i need to forgive took center stage in my mind anyway. And the whole, "didn't I forgive that person several times before????" comes up, and yes, I did. But that's a good reason to NOT COMMIT MAJOR SINS AGAINST SOMEONE. It NEVER goes away!! Yes, i CAN and SHOULD forgive my stepfather and my mom. Yes, it has nothing to do with them, forgiveness is for ME, for my own peace and knowing i'm being obedient to my Lord and Savior. But its awfully frustrating to have to do it- Over, and OVER, and OVER. I wish it would all just GO AWAY. I wish i could just be a normal person with an average childhood. I wish my own marriage relationship wasn't so complicated, i wish i felt like i was attractive, i wish i didn't crave love and approval... the list is endless.

I guess in a nutshell, the truth is, i wish i didn't have to suffer the effects of someone else's sin against me. I wish i didn't have to take this on, for the rest of my life. But I do, and there's nothing that can be done about that. I think there's a sort of mourning in my life too... mourning what could have been.... mourning not having a mom around when i was having my babies, mourning not being able to trust men at all... mourning marital weirdness.... sigh...

Someday it will be tolerable. I'm certain of that. or at least, i have hope. I have to.

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