Here's what happened. I've really been thriving having had this newfound revelation that i could not only HEAR but EMBRACE that I am a precious child of the most high God and my value exists in THAT not in what anyone thinks of me, not ANYONE, not Andy, not my mom... not anyone. And finally its "stuck" God just managed to communicate it to me in such a way that it was far more than just dry facts but real. That was good. And is good BUT, my newfound understanding of prayer as being as easy as talking to andy and frequent as i'd talk to any good friend is a new paradigm, and something i really need to get used to. I think that when you change really fast, you leave behind old habits and sometimes its hard to find new habits to replace them, so you fall back into old habits. Well, I realized yesterday at redemption group, when one of my leaders pointed out to me that it sounds like i'm back to "doing it all myself" which is kind of my default setting- stemming from a life where i've felt like no one was trustable but me. Its true, that's exactly what I was doing.
Another problem is that realizing, truly REALIZING that all the crap that came down on me when I was young was 100% undeserved, it was WRONG, and it was EVIL, and i've been very very angry about that. God is working on something with me, and giving me an outlet for that anger, that i'm not quite ready to talk about yet, but its coming. (don't worry, it doesn't involve anything illegal, ie. homocide) Its really the first time i've been really really ANGRY about myself. I've been angry about others hurt by this same person, and others hurt in general, but not so much me.
Well, that anger has translated itself into anger directed toward God. After all, he was THERE. He put me, a helpless baby into those hands that hurt me, and forever changed me, who I was, what my future opportunities would be, all of that, and He didn't have to. He could have acted supernaturally to get me out of there. But He didn't, and I don't know why. And someday I will, but I just don't have access to those answers right now. And if he was THAT unwilling to act then, how can I trust that HIS justice would be sufficient. Because i've been thinking a lot about justice lately, and i WANT IT. It has not escaped my attention that my perpetrator is walking around, free as a bird, living life like he's NOT a serial sex offender, which he IS. He has escaped justice at every turn. That is WRONG WRONG WRONG. I've fantasized about that little, insignificant man and how easily i could TAKE him down. I've thought about how it is NO FAIR that I had to live my life in this prison while he's free. And of all perversion, that God's justice said that MY sin, was just as bad as this monster's sin. I was entertaining these thoughts, all the while knowing that i was entering into a domain which was not mine to enter. I was denying the VALUE of the one who created the universe and me along with it. I was denying the value of the One in whom i find MY value. I was placing MYSELF as a god above Him, determining that I could make justice happen MYSELF.
Sigh.... How exactly does this happen anyway? I so know better. But the other wonderful leader in my group who loves me enough to be straight with me pointed this out. She showed me how truly, my sin IS as bad as that sorry excuse for a person who tried to destroy me. I created myself as an idol. She pointed out that the first step here needed to be repentance. I knew it anyway, without her saying, so i went straight home and holed up in my bedroom with my Bible, and went to the index in the back and looked up repentance, thinking it might be a good place to start and here's the first verse i turned to. Ezekiel 18
30 “Therefore, you Israelites, I will judge each of you according to your own ways, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall. 31 Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die, people of Israel? 32 For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!
Ouch! But true. Then i turned to Isaiah 30:15-18 and read
5 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
16 You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’
Therefore you will flee!
You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’
Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
17 A thousand will flee
at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
you will all flee away,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
like a banner on a hill.”
18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
So how is that for the perfectly conveyed message by the one true God, the one who forgives me even for my atrocity, and lavished me with HIS amazing love. do you SEE all that's covered just in those last two sentences??? JUSTICE, how to be BLESSED, and what to do to make it happen- WAIT-
I think this is awe inspiring, so i will continue on, I will get up, brush the dirt off my behind and i will try again, with yet another second chance from my Lord.