Monday, June 17, 2013

Blogging- a change of heart.

You know what? This blog is for me.  Its for ME.  I'm going to say what i'm going to say, and if anyone doesn't like it, or doesn't want to hear it, they have a number of options.  1. Leave.  Don't visit anymore.  This is the most proactive one.  2.  Be all nasty and passive aggressive and make a mental list of things to use against me at a later time.  This one is one that I discourage, for obvious reasons.  But at the same time, I can only take ownership for my own issues, not yours, so if you must, scheme away.  Yeah, i think i'm posting this, primarily as an act of rebellion- a taking back of my space.

So its probably a bad idea, baring my soul period, particularly when I'm in the midst of the migraine from hell, and i'll mention that due to my own mommy issues, i will NEVER be taking pain killers stronger than excedrin or perhaps aleve, due to the fact that i'm not even going to take the risk of putting my kids through what I went through as a kid,  Ain't happenin'.  So here i am, all zoned out and ranting....

Perhaps though, zoned out ranting is the best way to be clear enough, clear via fuzzy, in the thoughts that are zooming through my head, at warp speed, as always.  Its funny how that works.   Anyway, i've determined that people suck.  That i hate being vulnerable, that i hate being close to people because they ALWAYS let you down, (though i'm convinced my children are the exception to that rule, thank goodness)  That I have NO idea what God is doing in my life, nor do I have a clue what the heck it is, exactly that He wants from me, Since He seems to be breaking me down to nothing.... AS usual.

And while those who are SUPPOSED to be close to me are too busy trying to manipulate me into.... whatever, heck i don't even know what their goals are,  I'm stuck in this place, where no matter HOW HARD I try, i simply CANNOT, "just get over" the PTSD disaster that is my life.   Seriously, if i COULD, do you not think i'd jump all over that?! really?!  Because this isn't exactly a picnic.  That's not even an adequate way of describing my situation.  I wish those of you who have been busy slamming me could have just a taste of what my life is like right now.  Let me give that to you in the only way i can- by writing.  

So the problem is this-  I have PTSD,  I seem just fine.  I have seemed just fine for like a decade now.  NO flashbacks, NO night terrors, NO triggers.  I foolishly thought i was somehow "cured."  until i was triggered.  BADLY.  until i had an intimate experience with my husband, looked into his sweet face, and saw my stepfather.  The one who molested me from toddlerhood.  There's more to it, but its too personal to post on a blog- even mine.  Suffice to say that i'm all Effed up right now, and i see no way out.  My goal in therapy has been to try to figure out what it is from my past that i'm trying to recover.  What it is that draws me to people and places that I dont' remember that were a part of me.   I've been advised by my new PTSD friends, that looking for memories, others memories is not helpful and can even be quite harmful.  But i don't know where that leaves me.  I'm a lost person- an UN-person, a person who was born at the age of 18.  I'm a person without a past,  Or rather, with a past that is hidden from me.   What do I do with that? Do i push, do i go back to "home" to try to recover my lost self, and hope it doesn't kill me in the process.  Do i wait for it to come crashing back on top of me, uncontrollably.  Do I pursue people that have ZERO interest in me, that are supposed to love me, but somehow just didn't get that memo!  WHAT do I do?  Do i avoid memories altogether and simply "redefine" myself? Maybe... but what if I do it wrong.  What if i define myself as the wrong person.   You see what an interesting predicament this puts me in.  I have no idea what to do with myself.  I am trying to find myself but i'm like a needle in a haystack.  WHERE to begin? I have no clue.  I have NO blessed clue.  All i know is that for once feeling so successful, today I feel like a complete failure.   That is all.

No comments:

Post a Comment