Thursday, March 21, 2013

Feeling better...

So, its been a rough couple weeks. But i've sensed God's presence all the while. I went out for coffee with my friend Lynn, who has this amazing ability to help me see the big picture perspective, which i'm notoriously BAD at. And she helped me see some ways i was in error... she helped me to decide to defriend and block someone who was distracting and tempting to me and who i didn't WANT to defriend but really needed to... so i did. Also she encouraged me to think in more positive terms, which is something that i very often have a problem with. Its really easy to find the flipside of something negative, and i know that if i'm having difficulty with that i have a great group of facebook friends to turn to for help. She also helped me see what our family looks like from the outside and some things i need to work on- namely my tendency to isolate and my strange need to be validated, even if its by someone that isn't healthy for me. Ugg. In a way it left me feeling like, "UGH, WHAT is wrong with me, WHY am i so STUPID" but the positive flipside of that is, "no one is perfect- but at least i know my own temptation issues and predispositions so that with God's help, i can overcome this and be the woman i was designed to be." My friend Marcia has also been an incredible encouragement. we are reading a book, "How People Change" by Timothy lane and Paul David Tripp which is an INCREDIBLE book, and i'm really learning a ton from it.. i think it will be one i read periodically, as i start to slip into less conscious existence as life tends to go...

 I have to say, its all left me feeling scared. As i was at my Weight watcher's meeting last night, The leader was talking about how quitting, gaining all your weight back and then some wasn't a failure if you learned from it- like if you learned you weren't invincible. Well, i have the opposite problem. I KNOW i'm not invincible and i feel like i have such a lack of control over my life that i might fail and not even be able to help it- its really easy to say that health is more important than $- to take that stand, but then when push comes to shove and you get to choose, either bail on Weight watchers or get your electricity disconnected that distinction becomes clouded. The fact is- its all about balance- And like last fall- we were FOOD BANK broke at that point, we had very little control over what we ate, though i did somehow find funds for chocolate... hmm... but anyway, if i can balance the very delicate realms of health, money and TIME (which is a whooooollle nother issue!) then i can manage to make things work.

 I am struggling with trusting God for my future, and what that looks like. Obviously i can't just kick back and expect things to be ok, and maybe i'm just too linear to really understand what that MEANS! i really do struggle with the need to control things- probably since from the time i was a baby, i've not had ANY control over anything. As a toddler i was being molested, so i didn't even have control of my body, i didn't have the peace of mind of knowing that i could sleep through the night without someone sneaking into my room and hurting me, so... i can SEE why the whole control thing is an issue for me. You should see how crazy obsessed i am about protecting my daughters! and its not that i don't trust God, i DO trust God. I absolutely GET that it was God with me all the time and God who has enabled me to function in such a way that i can live in the world without constant turmoil. 

Seriously, when i left home and we moved to WA, i was a MESS. I was so deep in Post Traumatic Stress disorder that i wonder if Andrew ever thought i'd be a functional human being. i was sleeping fitfully (that's still an issue though not as bad as before) I would have frequent night terrors and sleep walking episodes. I never knew when a flashback would occur making it hard to go anywhere, as any random scent, sound, song, 70's color scheme, etc. would just SET me off something fierce. I'm still really sensitive about being stared at etc. I lost most memory, not just of traumatic things but regular life. I've worked hard to try to regain some semblance of what my life was like, and i KNOW there was good stuff along with the bad, but its been hard. My mom doesn't want to talk to me, there's so few people that can help me piece it back together and the one who can, pretty much sees me as a giant inconvenience i think...

 Sigh... see, i'm going all negative again! Let me try again. my life is so so SOOOO much more functional than it ever should be. Despite MANY times of suicidal feelings and a few suicide close calls, i'm HERE. I KNOW i'm here for a reason, i KNOW God has brought me through all this for reasons i just don't know yet, i GET that but some things are really hard to change. My perfectionism, my reluctance to let go of control, and the fact that i don't even really get what that LOOKS like. I have a lot of work left. But have a lot of support. I have found family where mine is lacking, i have dear friends that care about me even though they don't have to, i have a husband who is SO patient with me, even when i'm a jerk to him. i have 7 beautiful children who think the WORLD of me, and who are such a joy to spend the days with. I have knowledge of what it feels like to be abandoned and rejected and the firm committment to NOT to do that to the people who love me. So overall, things are good. The rebuilding process is slow, but i think still going.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Rebecca. I could have written so much of this post. The memory loss, night terrors, fitful sleeping, perfectionism, control. Love and prayers to you.