Why i haven't posted in a while...

So i haven't posted here in a while.  The reason is, i've been going through a very serious situation, one that has completely and utterly changed me,  its taught me so many lessons, and showed me who I can trust and who i can't.  Its proved to me that sometimes i really am just plain alone in the world.  And that i have to be ok with that, i have to be ok in my own skin.  I've not posted a Daring Greatly chapter, largely because i've not had the courage to dare greatly.  Sometimes, i'm learning, authenticity must take a backseat to the needs of others.  That's a frustrating understanding when you live your whole life focused "solely" on the needs of others, and then you reach a point, like I did, where something JUST for you comes up.  And its then that you realize that your life really isn't your own, you've painted yourself into a corner, and there's really nothing that you can do about it.  And that no matter WHAT you do, you will still be considered by most everyone to be a scumbag.   And what's worse, no one truly understands where you are.  No one gets the path that you are on that put you in this place, and frankly, no one cares.  You must tow the line, you must do what is expected of you.  And you know it.  And at some point you have to just NOT care what others think of you.  You have to live your life, you have to realize that many of the people that judge you, do so having had their own life experience that was very similar.  They are content to be hypocrites and throw you under the bus, having no compassion, no understanding, no cognizance of the fact that THEY were YOU once.   And it is what it is.

The fact is, i'm a changed person, and i don't fit anymore.  And i don't know what to do about that.  Its wreaking havoc on my mental health, on my marriage, on my psyche.  But i can't DO anything about it, i just have to keep on going.  Denial only goes so far, and while you can keep yourself busy, you can keep yourself distracted, you can use alcohol to quiet your brain, the fact remains that there are quiet moments, when you simply can't escape yourself any longer.   And you are face to face with yourself- your own disastrous train-wreck self.  And that sucks.  I'm hoping to get to the point where I can truly understand that scared lonely girl in the mirror.  Where i can look back and say, "you are ok.  It is what it is-  keep going. You have a lot of people counting on you"   And just feel ok about that.  

I hope to post more.  i hope to get to the point where i'm courageous enough to post more.  Because being cowardly isn't my style at all.  And no matter how hurt I get putting myself out there, its my nature.  Because deep down, i know that there's a great success story inside of me, trying to come out.  A story of beating the odds, of NOT lying down and telling those who have tried so hard to kill me, "YOU WIN"  Because honestly, that's what i want to do.  The fact that i'm alive right now is 100% due to my children who need me, and who love me no matter the train-wreck i've become.

Thanks for listening-  thanks for reading and withholding judgement.  Thanks for being my friends.

Today... sigh....

Is my beautiful twinnie's birthday.  Wow.  There really are no words.  EXCEPT that Twins age SO much faster than singletons. Its entirely no fair.   So I thought i'd just share some pictures that Andrew posted to facebook today.

Elliott left, Asher, right

Asher is in salmon, Elliott in blue- i think. 

Elliott, left, Asher, right

A rare smiling Leif picture! he's playing in dirt, so that's why. 

Me, Leif, and Alex, when he was going through his goofy looking stage :)

aww... best buddies, Nik and Chloe.  Both have changed, SO much! 

Extraordinarily beautiful Annabeth, looking just like Grandma Lois in this picture! 

Daddy and Lovely Chloe

Alex, so little... 

Nik

Leif

Blogging- a change of heart.

You know what? This blog is for me.  Its for ME.  I'm going to say what i'm going to say, and if anyone doesn't like it, or doesn't want to hear it, they have a number of options.  1. Leave.  Don't visit anymore.  This is the most proactive one.  2.  Be all nasty and passive aggressive and make a mental list of things to use against me at a later time.  This one is one that I discourage, for obvious reasons.  But at the same time, I can only take ownership for my own issues, not yours, so if you must, scheme away.  Yeah, i think i'm posting this, primarily as an act of rebellion- a taking back of my space.

So its probably a bad idea, baring my soul period, particularly when I'm in the midst of the migraine from hell, and i'll mention that due to my own mommy issues, i will NEVER be taking pain killers stronger than excedrin or perhaps aleve, due to the fact that i'm not even going to take the risk of putting my kids through what I went through as a kid,  Ain't happenin'.  So here i am, all zoned out and ranting....

Perhaps though, zoned out ranting is the best way to be clear enough, clear via fuzzy, in the thoughts that are zooming through my head, at warp speed, as always.  Its funny how that works.   Anyway, i've determined that people suck.  That i hate being vulnerable, that i hate being close to people because they ALWAYS let you down, (though i'm convinced my children are the exception to that rule, thank goodness)  That I have NO idea what God is doing in my life, nor do I have a clue what the heck it is, exactly that He wants from me, Since He seems to be breaking me down to nothing.... AS usual.

And while those who are SUPPOSED to be close to me are too busy trying to manipulate me into.... whatever, heck i don't even know what their goals are,  I'm stuck in this place, where no matter HOW HARD I try, i simply CANNOT, "just get over" the PTSD disaster that is my life.   Seriously, if i COULD, do you not think i'd jump all over that?! really?!  Because this isn't exactly a picnic.  That's not even an adequate way of describing my situation.  I wish those of you who have been busy slamming me could have just a taste of what my life is like right now.  Let me give that to you in the only way i can- by writing.  

So the problem is this-  I have PTSD,  I seem just fine.  I have seemed just fine for like a decade now.  NO flashbacks, NO night terrors, NO triggers.  I foolishly thought i was somehow "cured."  until i was triggered.  BADLY.  until i had an intimate experience with my husband, looked into his sweet face, and saw my stepfather.  The one who molested me from toddlerhood.  There's more to it, but its too personal to post on a blog- even mine.  Suffice to say that i'm all Effed up right now, and i see no way out.  My goal in therapy has been to try to figure out what it is from my past that i'm trying to recover.  What it is that draws me to people and places that I dont' remember that were a part of me.   I've been advised by my new PTSD friends, that looking for memories, others memories is not helpful and can even be quite harmful.  But i don't know where that leaves me.  I'm a lost person- an UN-person, a person who was born at the age of 18.  I'm a person without a past,  Or rather, with a past that is hidden from me.   What do I do with that? Do i push, do i go back to "home" to try to recover my lost self, and hope it doesn't kill me in the process.  Do i wait for it to come crashing back on top of me, uncontrollably.  Do I pursue people that have ZERO interest in me, that are supposed to love me, but somehow just didn't get that memo!  WHAT do I do?  Do i avoid memories altogether and simply "redefine" myself? Maybe... but what if I do it wrong.  What if i define myself as the wrong person.   You see what an interesting predicament this puts me in.  I have no idea what to do with myself.  I am trying to find myself but i'm like a needle in a haystack.  WHERE to begin? I have no clue.  I have NO blessed clue.  All i know is that for once feeling so successful, today I feel like a complete failure.   That is all.

Blogging

Hey all! Did you know I have 2 other blogs?  I'm going to be shifting most of my blogging onto my homeschooling blog, including family pictures and stuff we do as a family.  You can find that here http://homeschoolingwiththekvenvoldens.blogspot.com/  Feel free to follow if you'd like to be kept abreast of what's going on with us.   Also i blog all my creations, or as many as i have time for on my scrappy blog located here http://shessomekindofcrazy.blogspot.com/ 

Goodbye blogging

I'm taking a break from blogging for a while. I'm kind of sick of getting my head smashed in and I don't know why I ever trusted others in the first place.  I'll probably we through and take out my most personal posts soon.  Ive determined this is not an effective way to try to figure out who I am, And at least for now the kind of vulnerability I have is just not safe for me.  If anybody reads this, if anybody cares- There it is.

I love produce.... sigh... and books.

And it was a good day for both.  Today was our bimonthly produce pickup from Bountiful baskets.  I was going to get 1 organic box, one traditional, one batch of tortillas and one mexican produce lot, but the mexican produce was slimy so I had to reject it, which is a bummer but ok.  
First is the organic, and a few nectarines and apples are missing, they got tackled right when we walked in the door :)

Next is the non-organic... lots of greens,

After that, we headed off to Once Sold Tales, our favorite bookstore, which is going out of business, for our second run at the bag sale.  It was so sad... the warehouse looked like it was hit by a tornado. :( The $10 per bag of any size sale was bittersweet.   Love it/hate it.   Sigh....

We also went wednesday, and got our first bag....

Oh and it was a GOOD mail day :) :)  i got my amazing soaps from Anderson Soap Company, at etsy.com.  OH my gosh, their stuff is AMAZING.  So fabulous... my very very favorite is this one "infinite romance"  it is the best thing ever... EVER. its such a rich sensory experience, smooth, just the right amount of smelly...  ahhhh.....   heaven in a jar.  i also tried one of their linen sprays this time, i got watermelon.  The girls and i both like it.  I wish they'd make that one in infinite romance.   I particularly like getting their soap sampler, its a whole bunch of small bars.  they weren't in stock when i ordered, so i just got an assortment... this should hold me over for a while.  I love how they make my bathroom smell nice. :)  And they have the BEST customer service, they ship fast and refund shipping overcharges.  here's my haul-  Oh and they have thrown in a free lip balm in each of my 3 orders! yay! its awesome too.  Make sure you sign up for their mailing list, i have gotten between 30-40% off each order because of the coupon code that's out.  they have a facebook page too.

An article to share

This article just seemed to have been written just for me.  And while i'm having teenager "issues" right now, not major ones, but major enough to be concerned..   I can see how this whole idea translates far further than just mommying.  

here's the link.

Ann Voscamp.... sigh....  she could so be me.  Except smarter.  And more eloquent :)  But hey, who's comparing! i'll take the wisdom and call it good!

Its been a difficult past few months.   And I've been places i never expected to be- never wanted to be.   But here I am.  And I've struggled with so many things....  Who am I? where did I come from?  Where am I supposed to be? Who can I trust?  so many other "Who" "Where" "Why" questions, FAR more questions than answers have filled my mind.  Which stinks.  Let's face it, no matter how adventurous and courageous you are, (courage- my lifelong goal) the preponderance of questions to answers is the PITS.

And people- well, let's just say that i've become quite disillusioned with people.  They are SO much work.  And being one who has a hard time reading people and knowing who's trustworthy and who's not, it quite frankly doesn't seem worth the effort.  I'm going to try to restrict myself to relationships with people i REALLY trust and keep it limited to a selective few.  I just am so sick of getting burned.

I have been struggling spiritually as well.  God is doing weird things in my life that don't make sense.  He's doing things that don't seem like things He would do and he's not showing up when he's "supposed" to.  Its made me feel a little angry, confused, disturbed... but ultimately I know that the only thing that is for sure in this life, the only real SAFE thing is God.  And i'm hanging on to that with everything in me and knowing that SOMEDAY it will all make sense.

a quote from the article:

What mama is willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation yet not blinded to the wisdom found like diamonds in dirty places?

The dirty places...  Sigh...   Why do the diamonds hang out there?  Why can't I just be blissfully ignorant and not so badly NEED TO KNOW.   Why can't i just be a regular person, UNwounded, UNdamaged UNdevastated?  WHY? See how futile the "why"s are?   And yet they just keep on coming...

Another quote from the article-

What if God said, “What mama is strong enough, persevering enough, tough enough to bend without breaking under the weight of the choices this child will make?What mama is willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation yet not blinded to the wisdom found like diamonds in dirty places? What mama will not just pray about this child but will truly pray this child all the way through their stuff?What mama will be courageous enough to let me write her child’s story?”And then God points.I can’t say I ever wanted God to be pointing in my direction.I can’t.But sometimes we get the unexpected.And I guess, I’m just wanting to breathe hope into someone else’s paralyzed place.

Yep.  I'm IN that paralyzed place.  But its not my children, this time anyway.  Its me.  Am I courageous enough to let God write MY story?  Am I?  I mean, I say I am, but AM I REALLY?   I don't know....   I guess my story isn't over yet, and clearly, I don't have all the answers.  And that's ok.   Right?