Blogging- a change of heart.

You know what? This blog is for me.  Its for ME.  I'm going to say what i'm going to say, and if anyone doesn't like it, or doesn't want to hear it, they have a number of options.  1. Leave.  Don't visit anymore.  This is the most proactive one.  2.  Be all nasty and passive aggressive and make a mental list of things to use against me at a later time.  This one is one that I discourage, for obvious reasons.  But at the same time, I can only take ownership for my own issues, not yours, so if you must, scheme away.  Yeah, i think i'm posting this, primarily as an act of rebellion- a taking back of my space.

So its probably a bad idea, baring my soul period, particularly when I'm in the midst of the migraine from hell, and i'll mention that due to my own mommy issues, i will NEVER be taking pain killers stronger than excedrin or perhaps aleve, due to the fact that i'm not even going to take the risk of putting my kids through what I went through as a kid,  Ain't happenin'.  So here i am, all zoned out and ranting....

Perhaps though, zoned out ranting is the best way to be clear enough, clear via fuzzy, in the thoughts that are zooming through my head, at warp speed, as always.  Its funny how that works.   Anyway, i've determined that people suck.  That i hate being vulnerable, that i hate being close to people because they ALWAYS let you down, (though i'm convinced my children are the exception to that rule, thank goodness)  That I have NO idea what God is doing in my life, nor do I have a clue what the heck it is, exactly that He wants from me, Since He seems to be breaking me down to nothing.... AS usual.

And while those who are SUPPOSED to be close to me are too busy trying to manipulate me into.... whatever, heck i don't even know what their goals are,  I'm stuck in this place, where no matter HOW HARD I try, i simply CANNOT, "just get over" the PTSD disaster that is my life.   Seriously, if i COULD, do you not think i'd jump all over that?! really?!  Because this isn't exactly a picnic.  That's not even an adequate way of describing my situation.  I wish those of you who have been busy slamming me could have just a taste of what my life is like right now.  Let me give that to you in the only way i can- by writing.  

So the problem is this-  I have PTSD,  I seem just fine.  I have seemed just fine for like a decade now.  NO flashbacks, NO night terrors, NO triggers.  I foolishly thought i was somehow "cured."  until i was triggered.  BADLY.  until i had an intimate experience with my husband, looked into his sweet face, and saw my stepfather.  The one who molested me from toddlerhood.  There's more to it, but its too personal to post on a blog- even mine.  Suffice to say that i'm all Effed up right now, and i see no way out.  My goal in therapy has been to try to figure out what it is from my past that i'm trying to recover.  What it is that draws me to people and places that I dont' remember that were a part of me.   I've been advised by my new PTSD friends, that looking for memories, others memories is not helpful and can even be quite harmful.  But i don't know where that leaves me.  I'm a lost person- an UN-person, a person who was born at the age of 18.  I'm a person without a past,  Or rather, with a past that is hidden from me.   What do I do with that? Do i push, do i go back to "home" to try to recover my lost self, and hope it doesn't kill me in the process.  Do i wait for it to come crashing back on top of me, uncontrollably.  Do I pursue people that have ZERO interest in me, that are supposed to love me, but somehow just didn't get that memo!  WHAT do I do?  Do i avoid memories altogether and simply "redefine" myself? Maybe... but what if I do it wrong.  What if i define myself as the wrong person.   You see what an interesting predicament this puts me in.  I have no idea what to do with myself.  I am trying to find myself but i'm like a needle in a haystack.  WHERE to begin? I have no clue.  I have NO blessed clue.  All i know is that for once feeling so successful, today I feel like a complete failure.   That is all.

Blogging

Hey all! Did you know I have 2 other blogs?  I'm going to be shifting most of my blogging onto my homeschooling blog, including family pictures and stuff we do as a family.  You can find that here http://homeschoolingwiththekvenvoldens.blogspot.com/  Feel free to follow if you'd like to be kept abreast of what's going on with us.   Also i blog all my creations, or as many as i have time for on my scrappy blog located here http://shessomekindofcrazy.blogspot.com/ 

Goodbye blogging

I'm taking a break from blogging for a while. I'm kind of sick of getting my head smashed in and I don't know why I ever trusted others in the first place.  I'll probably we through and take out my most personal posts soon.  Ive determined this is not an effective way to try to figure out who I am, And at least for now the kind of vulnerability I have is just not safe for me.  If anybody reads this, if anybody cares- There it is.

I love produce.... sigh... and books.

And it was a good day for both.  Today was our bimonthly produce pickup from Bountiful baskets.  I was going to get 1 organic box, one traditional, one batch of tortillas and one mexican produce lot, but the mexican produce was slimy so I had to reject it, which is a bummer but ok.  
First is the organic, and a few nectarines and apples are missing, they got tackled right when we walked in the door :)

Next is the non-organic... lots of greens,

After that, we headed off to Once Sold Tales, our favorite bookstore, which is going out of business, for our second run at the bag sale.  It was so sad... the warehouse looked like it was hit by a tornado. :( The $10 per bag of any size sale was bittersweet.   Love it/hate it.   Sigh....

We also went wednesday, and got our first bag....

Oh and it was a GOOD mail day :) :)  i got my amazing soaps from Anderson Soap Company, at etsy.com.  OH my gosh, their stuff is AMAZING.  So fabulous... my very very favorite is this one "infinite romance"  it is the best thing ever... EVER. its such a rich sensory experience, smooth, just the right amount of smelly...  ahhhh.....   heaven in a jar.  i also tried one of their linen sprays this time, i got watermelon.  The girls and i both like it.  I wish they'd make that one in infinite romance.   I particularly like getting their soap sampler, its a whole bunch of small bars.  they weren't in stock when i ordered, so i just got an assortment... this should hold me over for a while.  I love how they make my bathroom smell nice. :)  And they have the BEST customer service, they ship fast and refund shipping overcharges.  here's my haul-  Oh and they have thrown in a free lip balm in each of my 3 orders! yay! its awesome too.  Make sure you sign up for their mailing list, i have gotten between 30-40% off each order because of the coupon code that's out.  they have a facebook page too.

An article to share

This article just seemed to have been written just for me.  And while i'm having teenager "issues" right now, not major ones, but major enough to be concerned..   I can see how this whole idea translates far further than just mommying.  

here's the link.

Ann Voscamp.... sigh....  she could so be me.  Except smarter.  And more eloquent :)  But hey, who's comparing! i'll take the wisdom and call it good!

Its been a difficult past few months.   And I've been places i never expected to be- never wanted to be.   But here I am.  And I've struggled with so many things....  Who am I? where did I come from?  Where am I supposed to be? Who can I trust?  so many other "Who" "Where" "Why" questions, FAR more questions than answers have filled my mind.  Which stinks.  Let's face it, no matter how adventurous and courageous you are, (courage- my lifelong goal) the preponderance of questions to answers is the PITS.

And people- well, let's just say that i've become quite disillusioned with people.  They are SO much work.  And being one who has a hard time reading people and knowing who's trustworthy and who's not, it quite frankly doesn't seem worth the effort.  I'm going to try to restrict myself to relationships with people i REALLY trust and keep it limited to a selective few.  I just am so sick of getting burned.

I have been struggling spiritually as well.  God is doing weird things in my life that don't make sense.  He's doing things that don't seem like things He would do and he's not showing up when he's "supposed" to.  Its made me feel a little angry, confused, disturbed... but ultimately I know that the only thing that is for sure in this life, the only real SAFE thing is God.  And i'm hanging on to that with everything in me and knowing that SOMEDAY it will all make sense.

a quote from the article:

What mama is willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation yet not blinded to the wisdom found like diamonds in dirty places?

The dirty places...  Sigh...   Why do the diamonds hang out there?  Why can't I just be blissfully ignorant and not so badly NEED TO KNOW.   Why can't i just be a regular person, UNwounded, UNdamaged UNdevastated?  WHY? See how futile the "why"s are?   And yet they just keep on coming...

Another quote from the article-

What if God said, “What mama is strong enough, persevering enough, tough enough to bend without breaking under the weight of the choices this child will make?What mama is willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation yet not blinded to the wisdom found like diamonds in dirty places? What mama will not just pray about this child but will truly pray this child all the way through their stuff?What mama will be courageous enough to let me write her child’s story?”And then God points.I can’t say I ever wanted God to be pointing in my direction.I can’t.But sometimes we get the unexpected.And I guess, I’m just wanting to breathe hope into someone else’s paralyzed place.

Yep.  I'm IN that paralyzed place.  But its not my children, this time anyway.  Its me.  Am I courageous enough to let God write MY story?  Am I?  I mean, I say I am, but AM I REALLY?   I don't know....   I guess my story isn't over yet, and clearly, I don't have all the answers.  And that's ok.   Right?

The flipside of vulnerability

Is hurt.   I know that, and i'm willing to deal with that.  And yes, perhaps a blog is not the best way to journal or to be vulnerable.  Because its open to everyone.  Even facebook has people who claim to be your "friends" or "family" and stab you in the back.   And really nothing can be done about that, other than just shutting up, because people like that have so little backbone, they won't actually TELL you when they have a problem about you, they just gossip.  that's how they roll.    I knew that i was taking a risk with the post i while back, but the point of this blog is my healing process and my journey to wholeness.  I stand by my statement that if you have a problem with me, you don't HAVE to like me.  And i don't have to care.  Some circumstances make that difficult to stick to though.  I'm being purposefully vague and i know that's difficult, but i guess what i'm saying is just out of human kindness, before you throw stones at me, maybe you could consider a few things.

1.  i can guarantee you that you have NO IDEA what i'm struggling with in my life right now.  The mountains of crap that are piled on my back that began accumulating pretty much from birth... if you are going to judge me, keep that in mind.   Also, if you think you could survive a DAY.  ONE.DAY in my household without screaming, or losing your mind- then yes.  Judge away.  But think hard.

2.  I'm not perfect.  I never made a claim to be.  I am doing the BEST that I can.  And unless you are a perfect parent, or a perfect spouse or a perfect person in general,  keep your stones to yourself.

Daring Greatly Chapter 2

*newbies- this is a non-dated book study covering the book "Daring Greatly" by Dr. Brene Brown.  Feel free to jump in, starting with the introduction, and answer questions in the replies!  Thanks!*

Chapter 2- Debunking Vulnerability Myths

So, i've been reading in various times and places and haven't been typing up the questions immediately after reading, which would be far preferable! (i'm most of the way through chapter 3 and that's with SERIOUSLY slowing myself down,  So... i've been procrastinating, since its kind of hard :)
Live and learn!

1. Thoughts on Myth #1- Vulnerability is weakness.

I love how she said that "vulnerability isn't good or bad... vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings."   Its easy to see vulnerability as being a really negative thing, particularly if you have been burned by being vulnerable, but in itself vulnerability isn't negative-  And personally, i've not had this problem, primarily, i think, because i'm a woman, and very feminine,  and tend to really value the vulnerability of others in my lives, it makes me feel close to them and makes me feel like they trust me enough to take risks for me, which I consider to be quite an honor.  I tend to repay that by sharing myself.   Then again, i'm a MASSIVE emotional risk taker.  One might argue quite emotionally impulsive.  Looking back through the history that i remember, i can see myself putting myself out there a LOT and reaping both negative and positive consequences from that.  The old saying, "you regret what you didn't do not what you did" or whatever, just so totally doesn't apply to ME. :)

I love how Dr Brown said, "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage"  Ahh... doesn't that just sum it up??? it really does as well, i can totally relate to that.   This Chapter is just loaded with important truths...  this one struck me as well-

page 39, location 291- "Vulnerability is like being naked onstage and hoping for applause rather than laughter." 

 YEAH baby! good stuff! that is EXACTLY it.   I can't even describe how much i LOVE this book!!!!

I love the sentiment contained within this chapter also that the "illusion of invulnerability" is not actually protection at all.  I think that's because while you aren't putting yourself out there to get hurt, you also aren't putting yourself out there to be blessed.  Relating is a HUGE blessing, its what makes us uniquely human.  Its what makes life worth living.  Living without relationship would be a sorry shell of an existence.

2.  Thoughts on Myth #2- I don't DO Vulnerability- 

Yeah, this one, i don't relate to at all :-D   I'm guessing some of you might though! Share!

3.  Thoughts on Myth #3 Vulnerability is letting it all hang out.

Aha! Now we are right back in my territory.  Yes, i have had this problem.  What i've learned, thanks much to this book, is that, As Dr. Brown phrases it-

Page 45 location 554 "Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them."

This one is hard for me.  Its not always easy to tell who has "earned the right" or who is too big of a risk.  Particularly since my past has left me vulnerable to not being able to judge well who is a good risk.  Sometimes not obvious people ARE a good risk and sometimes people you expect to be a good risk are actually a NOT good risk, due to their own issues or whatever, and will cause you a world of hurt if you do opt to overshare with them.  I'm "Queen Overshare" so you can totally trust me on this one.

Another thing that struck me personally was talking about how in marriage- BIG betrayals are more likely to happen after a long period of disengagement.  How easy is it to disengage, either in the distraction of life, the slow but steady distancing from your spouse in a long marriage, the mutual response of their distancing and your distancing...  its a perfect storm really.  Stuff doesn't usually happen overnight, and i've most certainly found that true in my life.  I was watching out for the big stuff, trying to prevent the big stuff, and really, the biggest threat to MY marriage was the steady creeping up of the disengagement that makes the big stuff much more likely.

4.  Thoughts on Myth #4- We can go it alone

Yeah, this has never been "me" either... i'm so relational that any kind of "alone" strikes terror in my heart... that's a LOT of talking to myself!  I concur with Dr Brown that the journey toward vulnerability is one that requires a LOT of support from people who will not judge you.  This is hard for me partially in that I tend to surround myself with people who have a tendency to judge people.  Heck, "I" have a tendency to be super judgmental.  I'm seeing that, and working on changing that. I love how she talks about how she wants her home to be somewhere where we can be brave, and share our shaming moments, be fearful, and know that we are all in this together.  I couldn't agree with that more.