Today

Today is friday, and i'm feeling strangely optimistic about things.  My friend Tonya thinks its the samples of univera Xtra that she gave me to try.  I hope she's right! i'd love a magic supplement that made me happy and energetic! talk about a win!  Particularly since i seem to be immune to things that normal people do for energy- Coffee for example- doesn't affect me in the least.  I'm a strange combination of hyperactive, constant leg hopping, and drained...   its weird. I'm kind of a walking contradiction.

So yesterday was the big day, the court date went ok.  I pointed out to Andy that this was our second worst date night ever- with the one exception of childbirth- we had sitters when Nik and Alex were born :) oh and the twins too obviously.   Chloe, Anna, and Leif, were born at home, so we didn't! But it wasn't too bad, it was really telling how many people were there- regular looking people like us.  Our lawyer had 3 clients all at the same time, they even made a joke about the pronunciation of our name.  Easy-peasy.  Still depressing, but it is what it is.  After we walked through the neighboring mall- the super rich people mall, and they had a teavana so i sampled all the yummy teas and bought 2 oz of 3 of them, along with that cool purple german rock sugar... ahhh... LOVE Teavana :)

Then we drove "forever" to get home.  Have I mentioned lately how much i hate seattle?! its sooooo hard to get in and out of, and everyone is rude.  Nasty, grumpy and RUDE.  The traffic cop at the parking garage seemed REALLY put out that Andy didn't run over the bicyclist who was driving in front of him when the cop said to go.  Sheesh.  This weekend, we solidified where we want to settle, which is what's helping me not be horribly sad about giving up the potential new rental that we could have rented, were we ready to move in 3 weeks and willing to take a loan on our retirement to make it happen.  It would have been far away though- in spanaway, it would have been a longer drive to work for Andy, we'd have had to change churches and shift our whole lives a LOT.  but it was much more roomy and had a 2 car garage.  Probably wouldn't be tripping over stuff constantly... sigh...  oh well, i think we are due for a MASSIVE declutter.  Like- a crazy mom declutter! Yeah, baby! i'm all about throwing stuff away... i throw stuff away to a FAULT! like my Kurt Cobain painting that either got pitched or lost in a move... sigh...  oh well.

Today i'm hoping to blog on my homeschool blog and maybe even my scrappy blog if i have a huge excess of time (yeah, RIGHT! LOL) I'm convinced i'm going to have a great day- i'm going to declutter, and organize, and read good books to my children, and take a nap with my snuggly belly bean and tonight i'm going to scrap and have some quality time with the big guy.  Hopefully he will NOT bring home chocolate when i have him pick up my pictures at walgreens! him bringing home easter candy is NOT helping, though i still lost 2 lbs this week, YAY!  

Off to hang out with actual humans.  God bless you all.
Rebecca

Thursday.

This is a stressful week for us. Thursday we have the meeting of creditors for our bankruptcy and to say we are not looking forward to it would be an understatement. Andy barely slept last night. I'm so grateful that God's grace has been so blatantly obvious in our lives- in mine from childhood on, and in ours as a family. If you've known us long, you'd likely have seen that firsthand. I wish i had the kind of faith that would leave me questionless but i have to say, i don't know where He's going with all this, and i don't entirely like it. I don't understand WHY my body reacted so violently with being pregnant with twins, i don't know WHY we went from 1 child with aspergers and 4 healthy childrne to 2 with aspergers, one with low functioning autism and one with severe APD and SPD, and 2 healthy children in just a couple years' time. I struggle with thinking about the future. I can't go there! Maybe this is just like a giant faith building exercise, like the fall backward into someone's arms thing. I know everything is going to be ok, but i have to remind myself of it constantly. If you think of it, remind me once in a while. :)

Happy Saturday ;)

So last night, we tried to go out drinking.  More specifically, I did.  Andy's a teetotaler, and me too for a long time, i've had no more alcoholic beverages than I can count on my hand in the last decade and a half.   But while i'm in this odd, most likely midlife crisis, i thought WHAT the hell!  In all actuality, i've never had those wild college years that everyone else has.  I found out i was pregnant with Alex the first day of college.  I quit smoking, gave up drinking, and became mom.  But i'm not only mom.  I'm a woman.

Anyway,  so a friend ended up at the ER with a migraine and we were going to be picking her up at like midnight, and whenever that happens we take a middle of the night date night! fun!  So i said, "lets go to a BAR!" and of course Andy was less than enthused about that, but he agreed, so we went to Puerta Vallarta, our favorite mexican restaurant which happens to have a bar.  And we walked in.  And then we turned around and walked out.  We were OLD.  It occurred to me at that point, "I'm OLD" how did that happen?!  We walked away.  it was packed to the gills with 20 yr olds.  NOT my scene.  So today, i picked up a bottle of good quality wine.  Ash fell asleep early, the others are in bed and i'm drinking it, and enjoying it and drowning my sorrows in a dry white wine.  feeling pretty good right about now! So Cheers!

Yes, i do realize i'm most likely talking to myself.  Correct me if i'm wrong! say "Hi!" but i'm fairly certain i'm alone.  Completely, entirely, alone.  And that's fine with me.

an addendum to yesterday.

I just feel like i can't let yesterday's post stand.  Can't do it! And i was up, 5:20 this morning, after having a hard time getting to sleep last night- (moral of the story- don't wait till midnight to take the melatonin!)  TIRED.  Sleep and I are not on very friendly terms these days.  Too much going on in my head to let it go for more than 5 or 6 hours, and that makes the vestibular migraines worse, i think.  Its frustrating trying to speak and weird things come out of my mouth that don't make any sense.  At least i can TYPE coherently!  Anyway,  I have a TON to be grateful for, and i tend to be a Much happier person when i acknowledge that, so I shall!

Things i'm grateful for:

1.  Salvation in Christ:  Last week's sermon was about salvation and how we tend to get so hung up on the day to day slog that we don't even think about the significance of that, and its HUGE.  REALLY, it makes you invincible.  You can take risks, because in the end, you are going to be ok.   I look at that little girl and KNOW that he could have just let her die, so many times, one of the suicide attempts, one of the bazillion suicidal inclinations, that truck that almost plowed into me and somehow disappeared when it should have tboned me when i was preggers with Alex.  He's THERE, and not just for me.  But i can FEEL Him there, and that makes me not alone, no matter what life's circumstances.  I pray that each one of you reading this are blessed with the gift of eternal life. I'd love to spend forever with you :) 

2.  A husband that works super hard at a job that's getting less and less easy to deal with, and tells me i'm beautiful every day, even though that's... uh... CLEARLY not the case :D  

3.  Beautiful short people, though 2 are taller than me, so maybe not so short.   The littlest of whom insists on sleeping right smack between andy and I and also tells me i'm "boo-tiful" every day :) 

4.  37 is a pretty vibrant time to be a woman. and i've lost 2 lbs so far, and am in the process of redefining my relationship with food.... again.  :)

5.  My dad.  Its been a difficult journey but i think we are finally "ok" 

6. My stepmom- What a wonderful thing it is to be reconciled to this lovely woman.  I never expected that.  Thankful for happy surprises. 

7.  Old friends who are still around :)  Dude... look how skinny i was! And probably quite inebriated.

\

8. And new friends too! Particularly ones that i'll invite over even when the house is trashed and the kids are out of control.  This is my lovely friend Christina, she's holding a hammer and roll of duct tape that Asher randomly handed her when she was over with her kiddos visiting on wednesday :) 

9.  Asher TALKING!!   This is amazing.  His words are still pretty random, but he's TALKING! my baby is TALKING! He's my boy mini-me :)  Love that dude. 

10.  Birds.  Birds are awesome. 

11.  Singing.  Singing is awesome.  Takes my mind off other stuff...  i very nearly posted a video of me Siiiinnnnggging.... la la la.... but then i came to my senses :)  

12.  Art.  I love creating stuff.  

13.  Weekends.  Yep, its friday, <<happy dance>> 

There WILL be more, but its totally time to do something real around here.  Thanks for reading. 

XOXO

R

Feeling better...

So, its been a rough couple weeks. But i've sensed God's presence all the while. I went out for coffee with my friend Lynn, who has this amazing ability to help me see the big picture perspective, which i'm notoriously BAD at. And she helped me see some ways i was in error... she helped me to decide to defriend and block someone who was distracting and tempting to me and who i didn't WANT to defriend but really needed to... so i did. Also she encouraged me to think in more positive terms, which is something that i very often have a problem with. Its really easy to find the flipside of something negative, and i know that if i'm having difficulty with that i have a great group of facebook friends to turn to for help. She also helped me see what our family looks like from the outside and some things i need to work on- namely my tendency to isolate and my strange need to be validated, even if its by someone that isn't healthy for me. Ugg. In a way it left me feeling like, "UGH, WHAT is wrong with me, WHY am i so STUPID" but the positive flipside of that is, "no one is perfect- but at least i know my own temptation issues and predispositions so that with God's help, i can overcome this and be the woman i was designed to be." My friend Marcia has also been an incredible encouragement. we are reading a book, "How People Change" by Timothy lane and Paul David Tripp which is an INCREDIBLE book, and i'm really learning a ton from it.. i think it will be one i read periodically, as i start to slip into less conscious existence as life tends to go...

 I have to say, its all left me feeling scared. As i was at my Weight watcher's meeting last night, The leader was talking about how quitting, gaining all your weight back and then some wasn't a failure if you learned from it- like if you learned you weren't invincible. Well, i have the opposite problem. I KNOW i'm not invincible and i feel like i have such a lack of control over my life that i might fail and not even be able to help it- its really easy to say that health is more important than $- to take that stand, but then when push comes to shove and you get to choose, either bail on Weight watchers or get your electricity disconnected that distinction becomes clouded. The fact is- its all about balance- And like last fall- we were FOOD BANK broke at that point, we had very little control over what we ate, though i did somehow find funds for chocolate... hmm... but anyway, if i can balance the very delicate realms of health, money and TIME (which is a whooooollle nother issue!) then i can manage to make things work.


 I am struggling with trusting God for my future, and what that looks like. Obviously i can't just kick back and expect things to be ok, and maybe i'm just too linear to really understand what that MEANS! i really do struggle with the need to control things- probably since from the time i was a baby, i've not had ANY control over anything. As a toddler i was being molested, so i didn't even have control of my body, i didn't have the peace of mind of knowing that i could sleep through the night without someone sneaking into my room and hurting me, so... i can SEE why the whole control thing is an issue for me. You should see how crazy obsessed i am about protecting my daughters! and its not that i don't trust God, i DO trust God. I absolutely GET that it was God with me all the time and God who has enabled me to function in such a way that i can live in the world without constant turmoil. 


Seriously, when i left home and we moved to WA, i was a MESS. I was so deep in Post Traumatic Stress disorder that i wonder if Andrew ever thought i'd be a functional human being. i was sleeping fitfully (that's still an issue though not as bad as before) I would have frequent night terrors and sleep walking episodes. I never knew when a flashback would occur making it hard to go anywhere, as any random scent, sound, song, 70's color scheme, etc. would just SET me off something fierce. I'm still really sensitive about being stared at etc. I lost most memory, not just of traumatic things but regular life. I've worked hard to try to regain some semblance of what my life was like, and i KNOW there was good stuff along with the bad, but its been hard. My mom doesn't want to talk to me, there's so few people that can help me piece it back together and the one who can, pretty much sees me as a giant inconvenience i think...

 Sigh... see, i'm going all negative again! Let me try again. my life is so so SOOOO much more functional than it ever should be. Despite MANY times of suicidal feelings and a few suicide close calls, i'm HERE. I KNOW i'm here for a reason, i KNOW God has brought me through all this for reasons i just don't know yet, i GET that but some things are really hard to change. My perfectionism, my reluctance to let go of control, and the fact that i don't even really get what that LOOKS like. I have a lot of work left. But have a lot of support. I have found family where mine is lacking, i have dear friends that care about me even though they don't have to, i have a husband who is SO patient with me, even when i'm a jerk to him. i have 7 beautiful children who think the WORLD of me, and who are such a joy to spend the days with. I have knowledge of what it feels like to be abandoned and rejected and the firm committment to NOT to do that to the people who love me. So overall, things are good. The rebuilding process is slow, but i think still going.

Fear

When you have a child with autism you experience so many different emotions.  Grief is a huge one.  I think largely because it doesn't come all at once.  There are different times.  The first time you realize you can't connect with your child, that no matter how much you talk, hug, kiss, try to make eye contact, there's a barrier that blocks you from him.  Then he's evaluated somewhere and comes out even worse off than you expected.  Then comes the diagnosis.  You knew he had it, but the official nature of it seems so... final.  Maybe you have a stretch of 2-3 weeks where every day is even MORE of a struggle than usual, which is indescribably exhausting since every day NORMAL means 1 on 1 attention for him.  Then maybe he takes up biting, or spitting or hitting or pinching, or all of the above, and you know that that means that your sphere of movement is restricted even further.  People stare, glare, talk, disapprove.  Sometimes its easier just to stay home.  Of course with daily therapy you're out frequently anyway, so the cabin fever isn't that bad.  Life is a constant struggle to just get by-  finances are in the pits.  You have to make impossible choices- make food from scratch with time you don't have, or buy the cheapest convenience food you can, and hope everyone's health is ok.  Take time for yourself to decompress?  Ok, but do it knowing you are foisting the more needy child on the also exhausted other children.   Do you have another young child? That child is likely acting out and behaving much like the other when he realizes he doesn't get the same amount of attention as his brother.  Then you get the evaluation from the public school, which lists his cognitive ability in the 2nd percentile or less, his congnitive/verbal ability in the .1%  Yes, that was POINT one percent.   The grief is back.  Its back with a vengeance.

So when you live like this for a year or more, with no end in sight, and public school of all things is your refuge and you actually look FORWARD to it,   The world is upside down, cats and dogs might as well be best friends, nothing would surprise you at this point.  You're so worn down and exhausted all the time, you are overcome with guilt and sadness and the numbness of steeling yourself to face another day and get it all done.  You still have to deal with other crap.  The disconnect notices are coming.  You want your husband to stay home more, but man, the disconnect notices!  Another night of takeout, you're wiped and the peeps need to eat!  life changes happen leaving you even more alienated and alone.  You can barely pray anymore, you know you should be praying more, you feel guilty.  You go to bed, you get up, another day.  you do it all again, you get more bills, they didn't process something right, now you have to call the insurance or add another bill to the pile.  You haven't called either of your grandmothers in MONTHS,  He breaks a window, the other toddler tries to break a window, you need to find a new church, you do, but don't even almost fit in.   you try to find another church- there's no nursery, Its raining,  he gets all out of whack from lack of outside time,  fall is coming and the college kid will need books, guess you are calling your dad again to ask him to cover it...   your landlord comes to pick up rent, the house is a mess, you feel bad, hope he doesn't evict you, you go to bed, zone out the next few days, go to bed, get up, nothing changes, Then one day he is doing GREAT acting almost normal.  the next day he's back to the same... you go on and  you go on, and you go on, and you go on.   And you hope that someday things will be better.  But hope is a rare commodity these days.

So you just keep going.

"Someday you will be glad"

My mentor, Stacy, said something to the effect of that.  I'm not sure if it was exactly what she said because I was too busy balking.  I mean, REALLY, I'd been through hell, I was still feeling the burn.  All that had happened, and i, being horribly sick with my twin pregnancy, having financial pressures that were getting worse by the day and still needing to manage to nurture and care for my 5 other children; I was wrecked!  

There is NO way God can ever use this for anything but the rubbish it is.  I was certain of that.  

Fast forward a few years later.  Life is still crazy. One of my twin boys has been diagnosed with autism, and its pretty severe.  One of my daughters has also been diagnosed with aspergers, which, while not anywhere near as severe as the twin, still carries with it some serious demands.  My oldest who also has aspergers is in college and the fit is starting to hit the shan, figuratively speaking, about his undealt with issues.  Meanwhile my most likely dyslexic 13yo is making much progress but struggling in math, and my younger daughter battles undiagnosed neurological issues that make it hard for her to hear and process things,  and impede her ability to learn in a variety of ways.   My perfectly neurotypical twin son struggles to get the attention his twin gets.  Surely he's paid a price as well for this fallen world and the resultant sin and disease and death. 

The cataclysmic event that devastated me is behind me.  I don't even count the years anymore, I think its been about 4.   I think about it less and less, but as I am waiting for Ash's therapy to finish, i'm sitting in my suburban and it its me.  I'm overwhelmed with joy and so excited about this event that nearly destroyed my marriage, my family and even my whole being.  How can that be?  Keep reading :)

A bunch of years ago, our family was participating in a church small group.  We became close friends with another family who also had several small children.   It was great.  We had a lot in common, particularly the dad and I,  as we were both gregarious types that like to talk and be social.  His wife was more introverted, and my husband was just plain ANGRY.   I didn't understand WHY my husband was angry and I horribly failed to serve him as I should have as a wife.  I could have taken him in my arms and repeatedly let him know that I was his partner, his covenant bride and i would always be here for him.  I could have simply asked what was wrong, and listened without taking everything personally.  Instead, i took every glare, every outburst, every nasty word personally.  Each was like a missle into my already broken heart, His anger, to me, represented just one more way that "I" was just not good enough.  Lord knows I was trying! Its not like i'd been given a great lot in life.   I had to work my butt off every second, and I could tell it was NOT getting any easier.  So he drew inward and I became more and more defiant and alienated. 

Meanwhile as my husband drew away, i started to notice the other man in the couple with whom we were friends, starting to draw closer.  He called me, sometimes daily, to talk or to see if the kids and I wanted to get together to go to the park or something.   He was kind and gentle and his soft words soothed the scars that had built up in my heart from the man I felt had abandoned me emotionally.   To make a long story short,  I was starting to have very inappropriate feelings for this man who I'd never had physical contact with, in any way, and yet was starting to fill the marital void that had been there for so long.  I started to anticipate his phone calls like a school girl waiting for her boyfriend to call.  It was at this point that i realized what was going on.  Sadly, at this point, I wasn't the least bit interested in making it stop.  I grapped with that, and prayed about it, and kept getting the uneasy feeling that what I was doing, my role in the situation, was NOT right.  I fought it.   I still loved my husband and didn't know how to reconcile that.   Eventually the uneasy feeling, and some very wise counsel by my friend Teresa, helped me to gain some clarity, realize that my fantasies were not true, not possible and NOT in line with God's clear will for my life.  I came to realize that my whole family hinged on the choices i'd make.  Eventually I came clean to my husband and while i was not very gracious in response to his well deserved anger, eventually, i knew I had to take a permanent step, I was still too ambiguous emotionally, but i knew what was right, i had to make sure it was OVER and  i had to get this man completely out of my life, for good.   I decided to put myself out there and tell him of my feelings and tell him that I needed distance and to not be in any kind of communication with him anymore, period. 

  I won't go into specifics, to protect the innocent and not overly condemn the guilty, but i will say that I later discovered that the whole relationship situation,  it was not an accident.  It was a direct manipulation of me. I don't know why he would do that.  I don't know why he would lie to others.  I don't know why he would take a fragile person and stomp on her and try to destroy her.  Maybe in actuality that wasn't the case.  Maybe he wasn't bent on my destruction but was merely battling his own demons.  

Who knows.   Regardless, i'd have hardly considered any of what happened to be a blessing- Until today. 

Today as I was sitting in my suburban, waiting for Ash's therapy to end, I was reading an ebook, called "Give them grace"   I highly recommend you buy it and read it- its truly a life changer.  As I read, another piece of the God puzzle came into place for me.  I started to understand grace, and its amazing depth, a little bit more. 

I was given a picture, as I drove home, of the amazing picture of His grace, that this experience in my life had been.  I didn't want to do the right thing- Apart from Him and His commitment to care for me and to never ever forsake me, even when I DESERVE it, He was there.   And His love was that prompting for me to do the right thing.  I think, though I have free will, that it was nothing that I DID to save me from the fate that would have befell my family and myself if i'd not made the right decision.  

There is NO way that anything but sheer disaster would have come from making the wrong decision at that point, and He, in his amazing power and love for me- someone who doesn't even ALMOST measure up, saved me anyway.  

Andrew responded to the situation not with anger or hatred.  He was surprisingly, shockingly calm and loving.  When I made the break and told him I wanted our marriage to work-  I was going to try harder, I was going to have nothing to do with that man.  He accepted my plea and loved me.  His love had more of an impact on me than I can ever describe.  Andrew, if you are reading this, you have to know you changed my life.  You SAVED my life.  You helped turn me around in ways that  impact me still to this day.  

God  showed me on the drive home how that whole ugly situation was more than just an ugly situation- it was an analogy of my entire life.   There were sins in my life i'd committed.  BIG ONES.  and there were sins committed against me.  BIG ONES.  But He is there, regardless of all the dirtiness and shame, HE is there and His love for me is not contingent on my ability to follow the law.  His love for me is not contingent on my willingness to follow the law.  He just loves me, period.  How amazing and shocking and marvelously joyous is that?! WHY does he love me? Who the heck knows, and further, WHO CARES!?! I'll take it!  And i'll return that love to the best of mhy ability.   My heart burns with tearful gratitude at the one whom I could betray and yet would love me anyway.  Today, i look fondly on the man in my life whom God blessed with grace to be my example of my Savior.   I love Andrew with everything that is in me and my gratitude to him will never cease.  How much more, then, is my gratitude toward HE who is more than the example.  Jesus Christ took my sin and MY penalty for that sin.  I was dead in trespasses and never could I measure up.  I'm certain of that now.  NEVER.  

But he didn't leave me alone to suffer and die!  He loved me- one who's transgressions HE had to pay.  With no bitterness or anger, He just loves me.  

How incredible is that?!  

There is nothing more that I could wish for each of you reading than you would have the same earth-shattering realization.  You don't have to earn his love, you don't have to be good enough, or pretend to be good enough so you fit in.  You aren't.  You never will be.  But He loves you anyway.  Because of HIS goodness. Not yours.  Be glad.  Be grateful!  Repent of your sin, cry tears of sorry and regret and then wrap them all up in laughter and Joy, because on that fateful day, He proclaimed, "It is FINISHED!"  No one can ever steal that from you.   

This is why I can look at that man who hurt me, who tried to destroy me and not feel even a hint of anger.  I don't have to!  I have enough sorrow for him to take the place of that anger.  Because as sure as he hurt me, he's been hurt.  He's been so incredibly harmed that he was able to be a tool of the enemy who seeks to destroy and devour and devastate.   I wish so much for this man to have a breakthrough, like i've experienced today.  I pray that someday God will reach into his heart and change him.  I pray that he will not be silent about his own sin and the sins committed against him, but be LOUD.  Be as loud as I am, maybe louder.  Because this is how people will know how amazing our God is.  By our testimony.  

When wretched sinners like me and like him stand up and share what we have done,  What's been done to us,  sin loses ALL of its power against us.  

What's left is the overwhelming love of the one who loves us so.  

With this, I leave you.  Swimming in the unwarranted grace that I am somehow dripping in...  hoping He'll knock you into the pool also. 

Rebecca