Update

I don't know if anyone still reads here, but i've since stopped blogging about myself.  Actually i've stopped blogging altogether, but i'm working on getting my homeschool blog up and running.  If you are interested in following our family you can do so here:

http://everychildeveryyear.blogspot.com/

I really need a fresh start

Everytime I think of this blog, I feel sad and aimless.  I have changed so much in the past couple years since i ceased the bulk of postings.  I don't recognize that girl I used to be as myself and part of me just wants it gone.  I'm contemplating now if i want to just ditch this blog altogether, or start a new one, or even start an anonymous one. 

I really struggle with how much its appropriate to put "out there."  Authenticity and transparency are really important to me, and i've made it a point of sharing not just my successes but my failures as well.  But having had those failures used against me makes me question my own idea of what is an appropriate balance. 

Additionally some issues in my life have lost importance and I feel like a particular situation which has brought most folks to my blog that still visit here is unnecessary and outdated.  My heart's not there anymore.  I can think about the situation and not cry anymore.  I can associate with the people that were once my world and be ok with the fact that they no longer are.   The fact is, the whole situation sucked.  and i'm not going to say it was anything but devastating.  But i've gotten older and wiser and acknowledge that i've grown and matured and gained SO much self awareness that the losses I experienced, are, in comparison, a drop in the bucket. 

I'll leave this post up regardless of what I decide to do.  But in all likelihood i'll be deleting posts, moving on and thinking on if blogging is to be a part of my life again.

Rebecca

Books for sale!

Hi'm massively decluttering.  prices do not include shipping, but i'll offer bulk discounts.
10 or more items-  10% off total
20 or more items- 25% off total.
50 or more items- 50% off total

I am serious about this.  MUST.FIND.BOOKSHELVES and here's the thing- description posted is all you're going to get :) can't answer questions, just need to make it happen!!! :) if interested in any of these, please email me at mamakven@gmail.com mamakven at gmail dot com

New additions:   2/6/14

Science in the creation week, $2

Evan moor, Daily word problems, math, grade 1 $5

Grade 3  $5

Evan-Moor skill sharpeners- math- grade 2  $5

Prentice Hall Science explorer, motion and forces (nice hardcover) $5

Exploring the world around you, Gary Parker  $5

Kingfisher, hands on science, over 150 fantastic experiments $4

Learn & Do, Kym Wright, Arachnids study $2

Draw write now, #2 Christopher Columbus, autumn harvest, weather

Queen homeschool copywork for boys $5

Queen homeschool copywork for little boys $5

Active baby healthy brain, $2, small amount of crud on spine

Living books curriculum, grade 2 teaching guide, spiral bound $25

Large family Logistics $12

The new simply phonics $2

Bluestocking guide to ancient rome $3

Sequential spelling 6 and 7 $7 each

Biblioplan ancient history, timeline and map packet $5

Greenleaf guide to Old Testament history, fair to poor condition $2

$1 List

Mighty men, John Crotts

Runaway ralph, beverly cleary, worn

The great controversy

Kingdom's dawn by chuck black

The tattooed rats by Jerry Jenkins

Abba conundrums, book only

Pocket US atlas

Bram stoker, Dracula

classical education and the homeschool, fair cond.

Rod & staff little jewel book- God gives us work
Rod & staff little jewel book- Just four
Rod & staff little jewel book- David's new ball
Rod & Staff little jewel book- The twins' picnic

Confessions of a Reformission rev.  Mark Driscoll

Family ties don't have to bind

Unlocking secrets of your childhood memories Kevin leman

The socialization trap- Rick Boyer

family manager's guide to summer survival

across 5 aprils, older

Magic tree house #14  day of the dragon king

the time machine, SC bullseye step into classics

Yes they are all ours- Rick boyer (this one is thrashed, but such an awesome book!!)

The giggler treatment

Super fudge, judy bloom

The great gilly hopkins

Will Hobbs- the maze

Sister of the Bride, Beverly Cleary

Warriors into the wild

Warriors fire and ice

seekers, great bear lake

Beverly cleary, strider

The star fisher, Laurence yep



The long winter, Laura Engalls Wilder

the first four years, older, (little house)

On the banks of plum creek

Little Town on the prairie

little house in the big woods

Farmer boy

Little town at the crosswords

Little house on rocky ridge

Little house in the Ozarks

They all laughed, Ira Flatow

CS. lewis, the silver chair,

Charlie and the great glass elevator

five children and it

LITTLE HOUSE-THE CAROLINE YEARS-
- on top of concord hill
- Across the rolling river


The golden Goblet, Eloise Jarvis Mcgraw

Roald Dahls' the BFG

Pandora gets jealous

lion the witch and the wardrobe

$2 list

Don't know much about the 50 states- hardcover

window on the world, some wear

Stewardship unit study- christopher columbus

disciplines of the beautiful woman, older

Living with God by Nancy Gorrell

Redemption, mark driscoll

Baptism, 3 views

Renewing your mind, RC. Sproul

The lost Baron

know why you believe (2 copies)

Classical Christian education, Douglas Wilson

Joy in the journey,  Lori Hatcher, rough condition\

Sword fighting, Karyn Henley

The pursuit of God, Tozer

introduction to family nights toolchest

treasure principle hardcover

Keys to the deeper life, Tozer

Soundbites from heaven, Rachael Carman

The case for faith

Safely home, Tom Eldredge

Big thoughts for little thinkers- the gospel

More joy for the journey, hardcover gift type book

Boyhood and beyond

Premeditated parenting

South Sea Island rescut by Kay Walsh, a trailblazers book new

Ivan and the secret in the suitcase, Myrna Grant new

Stuart's run to faith

know What and why you believe, in a single volume, older but good cond.

Daddy's blessing, bby Randy and Lisa Wilson small hardcover- new

Stepping heavenward elizabeth prentiss, like new

Don't waste your life, John Piper, like new

Christian family living, CLP

Hands on dad by rick boyer

Heart of a mother, compliation of true stories of encouragement and inspiration

Federal Husband, Douglas Wilson

Let every heart prepare him room, daily family devotions for advent- Nancy Guthrie, new, hardback gift book


For women only, hardcover







$4 list

Heaven is for real

Summer with the moodys

Beautiful Girlhood- Karen Andreola

Love and respect, Hardcover

You can change the world plus 2 activity books

Christ in the chaos

Advice for seekers, Charles Spurgeon, the new hardback gift book


Bible story cards lot- including storytelling and review guide, charts and maps, new testament coloring book, and new testament cards

Small talks about God- hardcover

What the Bible is all about, reproducible maps, charts, timelines and illustrations.

Leonard's Biblical chronological charts

Family worship hymnal, CLP'

More Charlotte mason education, catherine levinson

Treasuring God in our traditions

Doors to discovery reader, Christian light, grade 3 hardback

Everyday battles, knowing God through our daily conflicts

Cornerstones of freedom, the story of the homestead act

Idols of the heart, Elise Fitzpatrick

The way home, Mary pride

Just do something, kevin DeYoung

Tom Watkins' mistake,  lamplighter publishing hardcover new

Speaking mom-ese by Lisa Whelchel, hardback missing its dust cover

This is my story, Lisa whelchel cover bent

Homeschooling from a biblical worldview , Israel Wayne 

Pyramids

Timelines of world history, small hardback

New- 

$6 list

Cover wonky 

$8 list

The true story of Noah's ark- new- with cd, nice hardback, by Tom Dooley

Bedell curriculum- older version set of 5 plus an extra creation book.  this is an all encompassing curriculum based on Bible history, so its all integrated. very cool.

homeschool family fitness, a complete curriculum guide.  fair/good condition

Big thoughts for little thinkers, set of 3  Gospel, trinity, mission.  here's one- http://www.amazon.com/Big-Thoughts-For-Little-Thinkers/dp/089221614X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389328853&sr=8-1&keywords=big+thoughts+for+little+thinkers

Naturally Healthy woman, Shonda Parker

BCF Self confrontation, a manual for in-depth biblical discipleship

The well trained mind 

$15 list

English from the roots up set $15

New.

$20 list

Exploring creation with zoology 3, 2, 1

Essentially new(these will be discounted a max of $5- $1 for each $10 spent

All about spelling 1, all about reading 1, boxes scuffed otherwise like new

Asking 75% of retail- no extra discount 

No discount on this- $20

No discount, partial set my fathers world, creation to Greeks $100

blogging

i deleted my last post.  One of many posts i've deleted.  Who I am is offensive to so many right now.  i hate that. I wish i could express who I really am, what's going on with me, but i can't.  I can't because everything i say is scrutinized, i'm judged- by 2 categories of people, 1. those who just plain don't GET it, or don't have enough life experience to know that sometimes life gets complicated.  and 2. people who have been in the same boat, or similar, who have NO problem casting stones, nonetheless-  hypocrites.   Well i'm done putting myself out there to be scrutinized.  You all win.

Why i haven't posted in a while...

So i haven't posted here in a while.  The reason is, i've been going through a very serious situation, one that has completely and utterly changed me,  its taught me so many lessons, and showed me who I can trust and who i can't.  Its proved to me that sometimes i really am just plain alone in the world.  And that i have to be ok with that, i have to be ok in my own skin.  I've not posted a Daring Greatly chapter, largely because i've not had the courage to dare greatly.  Sometimes, i'm learning, authenticity must take a backseat to the needs of others.  That's a frustrating understanding when you live your whole life focused "solely" on the needs of others, and then you reach a point, like I did, where something JUST for you comes up.  And its then that you realize that your life really isn't your own, you've painted yourself into a corner, and there's really nothing that you can do about it.  And that no matter WHAT you do, you will still be considered by most everyone to be a scumbag.   And what's worse, no one truly understands where you are.  No one gets the path that you are on that put you in this place, and frankly, no one cares.  You must tow the line, you must do what is expected of you.  And you know it.  And at some point you have to just NOT care what others think of you.  You have to live your life, you have to realize that many of the people that judge you, do so having had their own life experience that was very similar.  They are content to be hypocrites and throw you under the bus, having no compassion, no understanding, no cognizance of the fact that THEY were YOU once.   And it is what it is.

The fact is, i'm a changed person, and i don't fit anymore.  And i don't know what to do about that.  Its wreaking havoc on my mental health, on my marriage, on my psyche.  But i can't DO anything about it, i just have to keep on going.  Denial only goes so far, and while you can keep yourself busy, you can keep yourself distracted, you can use alcohol to quiet your brain, the fact remains that there are quiet moments, when you simply can't escape yourself any longer.   And you are face to face with yourself- your own disastrous train-wreck self.  And that sucks.  I'm hoping to get to the point where I can truly understand that scared lonely girl in the mirror.  Where i can look back and say, "you are ok.  It is what it is-  keep going. You have a lot of people counting on you"   And just feel ok about that.  

I hope to post more.  i hope to get to the point where i'm courageous enough to post more.  Because being cowardly isn't my style at all.  And no matter how hurt I get putting myself out there, its my nature.  Because deep down, i know that there's a great success story inside of me, trying to come out.  A story of beating the odds, of NOT lying down and telling those who have tried so hard to kill me, "YOU WIN"  Because honestly, that's what i want to do.  The fact that i'm alive right now is 100% due to my children who need me, and who love me no matter the train-wreck i've become.

Thanks for listening-  thanks for reading and withholding judgement.  Thanks for being my friends.

Today... sigh....

Is my beautiful twinnie's birthday.  Wow.  There really are no words.  EXCEPT that Twins age SO much faster than singletons. Its entirely no fair.   So I thought i'd just share some pictures that Andrew posted to facebook today.

Elliott left, Asher, right

Asher is in salmon, Elliott in blue- i think. 

Elliott, left, Asher, right

A rare smiling Leif picture! he's playing in dirt, so that's why. 

Me, Leif, and Alex, when he was going through his goofy looking stage :)

aww... best buddies, Nik and Chloe.  Both have changed, SO much! 

Extraordinarily beautiful Annabeth, looking just like Grandma Lois in this picture! 

Daddy and Lovely Chloe

Alex, so little... 

Nik

Leif

Blogging- a change of heart.

You know what? This blog is for me.  Its for ME.  I'm going to say what i'm going to say, and if anyone doesn't like it, or doesn't want to hear it, they have a number of options.  1. Leave.  Don't visit anymore.  This is the most proactive one.  2.  Be all nasty and passive aggressive and make a mental list of things to use against me at a later time.  This one is one that I discourage, for obvious reasons.  But at the same time, I can only take ownership for my own issues, not yours, so if you must, scheme away.  Yeah, i think i'm posting this, primarily as an act of rebellion- a taking back of my space.

So its probably a bad idea, baring my soul period, particularly when I'm in the midst of the migraine from hell, and i'll mention that due to my own mommy issues, i will NEVER be taking pain killers stronger than excedrin or perhaps aleve, due to the fact that i'm not even going to take the risk of putting my kids through what I went through as a kid,  Ain't happenin'.  So here i am, all zoned out and ranting....

Perhaps though, zoned out ranting is the best way to be clear enough, clear via fuzzy, in the thoughts that are zooming through my head, at warp speed, as always.  Its funny how that works.   Anyway, i've determined that people suck.  That i hate being vulnerable, that i hate being close to people because they ALWAYS let you down, (though i'm convinced my children are the exception to that rule, thank goodness)  That I have NO idea what God is doing in my life, nor do I have a clue what the heck it is, exactly that He wants from me, Since He seems to be breaking me down to nothing.... AS usual.

And while those who are SUPPOSED to be close to me are too busy trying to manipulate me into.... whatever, heck i don't even know what their goals are,  I'm stuck in this place, where no matter HOW HARD I try, i simply CANNOT, "just get over" the PTSD disaster that is my life.   Seriously, if i COULD, do you not think i'd jump all over that?! really?!  Because this isn't exactly a picnic.  That's not even an adequate way of describing my situation.  I wish those of you who have been busy slamming me could have just a taste of what my life is like right now.  Let me give that to you in the only way i can- by writing.  

So the problem is this-  I have PTSD,  I seem just fine.  I have seemed just fine for like a decade now.  NO flashbacks, NO night terrors, NO triggers.  I foolishly thought i was somehow "cured."  until i was triggered.  BADLY.  until i had an intimate experience with my husband, looked into his sweet face, and saw my stepfather.  The one who molested me from toddlerhood.  There's more to it, but its too personal to post on a blog- even mine.  Suffice to say that i'm all Effed up right now, and i see no way out.  My goal in therapy has been to try to figure out what it is from my past that i'm trying to recover.  What it is that draws me to people and places that I dont' remember that were a part of me.   I've been advised by my new PTSD friends, that looking for memories, others memories is not helpful and can even be quite harmful.  But i don't know where that leaves me.  I'm a lost person- an UN-person, a person who was born at the age of 18.  I'm a person without a past,  Or rather, with a past that is hidden from me.   What do I do with that? Do i push, do i go back to "home" to try to recover my lost self, and hope it doesn't kill me in the process.  Do i wait for it to come crashing back on top of me, uncontrollably.  Do I pursue people that have ZERO interest in me, that are supposed to love me, but somehow just didn't get that memo!  WHAT do I do?  Do i avoid memories altogether and simply "redefine" myself? Maybe... but what if I do it wrong.  What if i define myself as the wrong person.   You see what an interesting predicament this puts me in.  I have no idea what to do with myself.  I am trying to find myself but i'm like a needle in a haystack.  WHERE to begin? I have no clue.  I have NO blessed clue.  All i know is that for once feeling so successful, today I feel like a complete failure.   That is all.