an even better mantra.

Its all good. Ultimately all that matter is this- I was created in the image of God by one who loved me enough to give me His image, even knowing all the wrong I would do. I have been ultimately accepted, loved and cherished, and I don't have to DO anything to earn that, its just the default, its unconditional love. I don't have to seek that out, i don't have to wish for it, I don't have to try to be "good" enough or effective or successful or anything. Just by virtue of being HERE I have that assurance. My creator is much bigger than the people who combined to mix my DNA. If they or anyone else treat me like i'm not "enough" then they are acting out of their own brokenness, and are not speaking truth. I can't rely on their assessment of me- I can't seek out acceptance from others who don't know their own worth, since i'm inevitably going to fall short in their eyes. Because their eyes don't recognize the marvelous creation of God, and their spirit doesn't know the depth of love that mine does. And that's much sadder for them than it is for me.

issues...

Sigh.... i have to adopt a new mantra-

"Just because i'm not loved doesn't mean i'm not lovable!"

That's my deal today. Yep, having mother issues again. Maybe its just me. I don't know. That's it. Not feeling very verbose today.

I came across a post....

from another blogger, a military wife. In it, she explains her suicide. http://misadventuresofanarmywife.blogspot.com/2011/04/final-goodbye.html I was shocked reading this, because while our situations are so very different, SO many of the feelings associated with long term depression are the same. I remember how hard it was to be a military wife in NON-war times, can't even imagine now. I am outraged having read this, and sad... so very sad. I will be following this lady's blog and will be praying for her.

It occurred to me, while reading her blog, how much of everything that we do is due to the grace of God alone. Its only those of us that reach that POINT, where we KNOW we can't do it alone that truly GET this, we don't have to just "believe" we KNOW by experience. I know that my life is hanging by a thin thread, that all I can do is cry out to the Lord and put my life in HIS hands (or at least acknowledge that it already is!) over and over and over again. And reassure myself constantly, that THIS is as close as i'm getting to hell.

Cardboard Testimony

Today at mops was testimony day! a wonderful, though tear-filled day that we have each year. I did a cardboard testimony, and I am not kidding when I say that i bawled like a baby the whole way up and down the stage. I think it was a good thing. Its been a long time since i've cried and really MOURNED my own lack of childhood. I OFTEN cry about other people- heck, i cry at movies and commercials, but I think i'd just gotten so distanced from myself that I'd never even thought to cry, and I have a lot to mourn. Just seeing my own children and their childhood is so foreign to me. I know God is leading me through being a co-head of a functional family, thank goodness, and its so wonderfully fulfilling to see my own children growing up safe. They are safe, loved, nurtured and most of all, not used. That is the worst feeling ever. When you grow up being used, particularily used for sexual purposes, you begin to feel like that is your function and that is all you are good for. Which is obviously not true. Each one of us is precious, created in the image of God Himself, and deserves to be cherished, loved, treated like a human being.

And it was also today that it really hit me what my dear friend who is gifted in prophecy told me almost a year ago. She told me amazing things, and i really can't share them here, but I will say that the Holy Spirit did not lie to her. They are HAPPENING in my life. I get to be the witness to miracles. What a privilege.

Forward, backward.

Forward, backward, forward, backward... doesn't it just seem like that's how it always goes? Well, after a long, hard visit by my dad, followed by bout of a nasty stomach bug, i'm starting to feel like i might be on the upswing again. I've been thinking about how its been a really HARD last few years... and how its hard to gain momentum when there's no upswing, but upon thinking about it further, i think maybe I need to rely on the little upswings, the teeny tiny ones, like coming into a day where i'm pretty sure i'll not throw up, when the day before I didn't have that security. Maybe I need to focus more on the little things.

One thing is for sure, its both a blessing and a curse to be me. I'm SO sensitive. Of course that has good aspects to it. Sensitive people are compassionate, feeling, loving, able to pick out God's leading more easily, all around more perceptive. But it comes with a brutal downside too. Being open also means that you are open to all the people that don't mean you well, and being a risk taker means that you are free to follow God's plan for you, but it also means you can befriend the wrong people and be devastated as a result of that. I choose to believe that regardless of my personal pitfalls, regardless of my personality quirks, God will not leave me stranded, God will not allow my demise.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And i'm clinging to that promise right now- as I go through a very difficult time in my life, and am eager to see what God's redemption of me looks like, and what my sanctified self looks like.

I've really come to realize how deceptive feelings are. I've come to a place where my feelings and my head knowledge about God is at polar opposition.

Isaiah 55:9
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Matthew 15:19
For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.

So, i'm going to honor what I know to be the truth and reject thoughts and feelings that conflict with that. I just have to be steadfast in my commitment to live out the truth that i know and not get bogged down by feelings.

One thing i'm really struggling with right now, is anger. I know that not all anger is wrong, that God himself gets angry, but I don't know what to do with the anger that I feel that is not negative. I guess an angry/anger word study would be a good course of action. I have to say though that I don't feel very in control of that. When i heard about the tiny little 8 yo girl who was kidnapped and raped just a little ways from OUR neighborhood, i was outraged. I was so consumed with RAGE that i could barely keep my head from popping off. So many "how" and "why" questions rushed through my head. Questions with no suitable answer, questions that only further enraged me. There is so much evil in the world. I know what its like to be born into evil, being completely helpless and at the mercy of people who had evil hearts and looked at me as something to use. But i know that those people who deffaced ME also deffaced the image of God. And they sinned against HIM as much as me. And someday that WILL be dealt with, in the fairest court of justice imaginable. I just hope someday i can NOT wish hell on those who have hurt me. I'm not there yet. Even though i GET how serious hell is, I can't go there. I hope they get what they deserve. But i'm going to TELL myself that I hope they come to know Christ so there can be reconciliation and peace and they can NOT get what they deserve. THAT's what I mean by not trusting my feelings, and instead trusting truth. Fake it till I make it? Hopefully soon, i'll make it :-) Thanks for reading.

The new discovery...

Du Jour.... I think the reason that forgiveness is so hard is because with big issues, like major forgiveness needs, the hurt doesn't just stop after the event stops. Stuff just keeps coming back... and back... and back.... and further, when one is, say, molested from toddler-hood to puberty, it really impacts your personality formation! I KNOW so much of my own screwed-up-ness is largely due to my childhood. My propensity for wanting to be a people pleaser, the HUGE fakiness that i have going on- and don't even mean to. I WANT to be a sincere person- Perhaps that explains my love of blogging! i AM real here!

We were talking about what we need to repent of and what we need to forgive, and of course the biggies that i need to forgive took center stage in my mind anyway. And the whole, "didn't I forgive that person several times before????" comes up, and yes, I did. But that's a good reason to NOT COMMIT MAJOR SINS AGAINST SOMEONE. It NEVER goes away!! Yes, i CAN and SHOULD forgive my stepfather and my mom. Yes, it has nothing to do with them, forgiveness is for ME, for my own peace and knowing i'm being obedient to my Lord and Savior. But its awfully frustrating to have to do it- Over, and OVER, and OVER. I wish it would all just GO AWAY. I wish i could just be a normal person with an average childhood. I wish my own marriage relationship wasn't so complicated, i wish i felt like i was attractive, i wish i didn't crave love and approval... the list is endless.

I guess in a nutshell, the truth is, i wish i didn't have to suffer the effects of someone else's sin against me. I wish i didn't have to take this on, for the rest of my life. But I do, and there's nothing that can be done about that. I think there's a sort of mourning in my life too... mourning what could have been.... mourning not having a mom around when i was having my babies, mourning not being able to trust men at all... mourning marital weirdness.... sigh...

Someday it will be tolerable. I'm certain of that. or at least, i have hope. I have to.