So, my deepest thoughts always come in the shower... as you probably know if you are a friend of mine and today it came together in such a way i really felt like it might benefit someone else if i shared, so here goes!
Right now, i'm working on an issue in my life that has been a problem, in varying degrees, since 2nd grade. That's where you can distinctly see in my school pictures me going from a skinnyish child (body type just like chloe) to an overweight one. it was around age 8 that I discovered that there were precious few people who were available to love me and nurture me, and i'd discovered that what was happening in my life was abuse. I started out life in a pretty rough way. My parents divorced when i was about two. They both remarried. The man my mom married is a pedophile. The first investigation into sexual abuse of me was when i was 3. I told my dad something that was NOT appropriate and he called the authorities and listened while i told them the same thing- but they didn't understand little precocious me. and i assume it was thought to be a vindictive divorce situation and that was that. The next investigation came when i was 7 or 8, and someone found pornography of me. My stepfather took me aside and told me, i was COMPLETELY free to tell them the truth, but if i did, he'd go to jail and my mom would be lost without him, she'd probably kill herself, so if i wanted to be responsible for my mother's death, i could feel free and tell them the truth. Obviously I didn't. The abuse continued until i'd reached about age 12 or so.
The effects of that abuse, however didn't end. From toddlerhood, i had the burden of protecting my body while i slept. I'd often as a child wear layers of clothes and as an adult i've only recently come to be able to sleep without blankets in the summer. As a Christian, i recognize that I'm NOT deserving of a lot, but i STILL feel like i deserved to be able to sleep as a child, to be able to fully sleep and rest and not have to worry about being assaulted. I also believe I deserve to be able to sleep NOW, and i can, to a degree, but not fully.
Sleep has not been the only thing that has been a major pathology in my life. Second only to that would be food. I learned early on that food could make me feel better, that if i was sad, or lonely, or abandoned, or happy, or whatever, i could share that experience with something that wouldn't abuse me. (except what I didn't realize is that it DID! Rather, i used it to hurt MYSELF) So now, at age 35, i'm in that difficult place where God is prompting me to take back my life. i started setting captives free http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/ about 6 weeks ago or so, and i've lost about 15 lbs but bigger than that is that i've learned to go to the WORD when i need comfort, love, etc. God can heal ANYTHING. He can even heal me, and its not an easy process but i'd encourage any of you who struggle with issues of addiction of any kind or other major life struggles to go to the source. HE can give you your life back, or in my case give me the basic dignity back that i deserved but never got and then on top of that, heap blessings upon blessings.
I'm still struggling. There's lots of attributes of my personality that i'm coming to know and understand, thanks largely to ACA. http://www.adultchildren.org/ I tend to crave acceptance and love and i'm really easy to manipulate, and knowing that makes me more able to protect myself and have better boundaries. And the amazing self awareness i've gained in the past year has just been phenomenal. And with the Lord's help i'm taking it back. I have 7 beautiful lives right under my thumb. I have the power to destroy them or build them up. And you can bet its going to be the latter. I would encourage any of you who are in similar situations (and know that if its not as "severe" as my situation, it makes no difference, HARD is HARD and your hardest point in life and mine are the same because to each of us, they are our perception of hard! kwim???) But at the same time, if God can transform ME, then i am confident He can transform ANYONE. Go to the source, and take your life back! You deserve it!!!!
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